Retrospect

This is actually an entry from an old online journal I used to keep....I wrote this like 2-3 years ago!  This is the beauty that I find in writing.  When I read things that I once wrote/thought/felt/did it allows me to see the very essence of myself.  I see how I've grown or how I've backtracked or maybe even became stagnanat in other areas.  So here is a younger me writing...free writing at that.  If you don't know free writing is uninhibited writing...you simply write what's on your mind...you don't stop and think you don't edit you don't spell check..you simply think out loud...or on paper rather.  This was the one thing I learned to do in a 7th grade English class that just always stuck with me...so here take a gander....


Wowwwww I know I am probably the most sporadic blogger in America!   Newho I felt the need 2 blog 2day n realized I didn't remember my password so I went through a long process but needless 2 say I found it! haha  Soooo onto my blog.  This entry's purpose is more so for myself.  Free-writing:

Soooo we had revival tonight on Alston Ave in the Bull for my church (Bethel Family Worship Center w/ Bishop George Bloomer- I know how lame lol but yes I did plug my church haha)  And can I just say that looking back I have become such a wonderful young woman.  Sometimes you just have to sit back and admire and encourage yourself.  I have come to know God for MYSELF.  Revival tonight just I dunno it just sparked something in me.  To stop inhibiting myself.  To stop becoming a distraction to myself.  To stop contradicting myself, making my thoughts/feelings/actions all seem to be an inevitable oxymoron to one another.  This entry is just divulging the transparency of myself. 

It's like both the Batman and the Joker part of me coexist.  They  both exist when it is convenient and appeasing to me.  When I'm bad I'm BAD and when I'm good I'm GREAT.  I want to read my Bible and study the word to strengthen my walk with Christ but at the same time I want to go out and get wasted with the homies sometimes, have a random fling every once in a while for the fun of it and every once in a BLUE MOON hit a blount...or two...and I don't even smoke but the few times I tried it were kinda cool.   I'm just being honest.  Most Christians won't admit to things like that so it becomes so taboo and it never gets addressed...nobody TALKS ABOUT IT...that's y the kids today...okay getting off topic ...I'll save that for another day.  How can I bless God with this mouth and still do the things that I do?  I ENJOY the things that I do.  I know God covers me and he loves me and all that other stuff that people say but I've come to know God for myself and the spirit of conviction has been hitting kind of hard lately.  Kinda feel like that person in a relationship that takes advantage of the other person who is oh so in love with me.  My spirit just feels REALLY uneasy depending on my actions.

It all started like 3 weeks ago when I was driving back to NC form DC on a Sunday after visiting my friend D listening to the radio.  EVERY station that I turned to was preaching the SAME sermon...no joke!  Even the commercials I scanned through and the stations that barely had a signal were all preaching it...it was freaky so I turned the radio off and then back on.  They were all preaching that message about how we died on the cross with Jesus and how it is not me who lives but He who lives within me.  (hope u heard it b4 b/c I'm not explaining all that)  Newho the message basically went on to say that In order to have that effective walk in Christ, I have to give up those things, all those things that I enjoy doing but really aren't meant for my good...at all.  In essence the "Jessica" in me has to die.  I have to carry my cross and live the life that Jesus lived.

For a long time now that has been my struggle in my walk.  Giving up the habits and ecstasies of my past.  It is sooo much easier said than done.  Two steps forward and 8 steps back in one day.  The celibacy thing is actually kind of easy for me honestly but every once in a blue moon...yea but anyways that part isn't hard...I can give that part up...especially when I'm not really interested in anyone/a relationship.  But my thoughts and desires and actions often contradict who I know I should be or to an extent who I know I am.  I feel like that story I read in the Bible about ol' dude...Paul I think (don't quote me)...somewhere in Romans...anyway he was talking about struggling with sin and wanting to do right but doing wrong and the battle in his mind and in his spirit that he was subject to as a result of it.  That's how I feel.

Okay RANDOM I know but its 12:52am and I am DEF an early bird now sooo I'm gonna finish this 2morrow lol.  I totally lost my train of thought and now my eyes are droopy so I'm gonna finish l8r promise!



 I'm mad at how I just cut myself off like that but apparently I did that on a LOT of entries LOL.  Anywho wow...crazy how I've come a long way but that's good stuff!  Not to say that temptations don't still arise but yea I'm definitely not struggling in a constant battle with myself.  As far as celibacy goes yes at times it's DIFFICULT but for the most part I don't struggle with it simply because I'm so busy with other things that I don't really take the time to focus on it.  Once you divert all of your attention and energy away from it it really by default becomes "out of sight out of mind".  And then I just REMEMBER my whole reasoning behind even choosing to become celibate and that keeps me motivated as well.  Just enjoying my friends and my life and looking forward to school at this point.  As far as the other things yea...I think that at some point in your walk with Christ and even as an adult to an extent you simply do have to put certain things/people/habits/environments behind you.  Just as you can't be a baby forever in life you can't try to remain a baby in this walk with Christ.  At some point you have to keep it real with yourself and grow up.  If not it can become easy for you to be pulled back into a past that you thought you had escaped and wonder how you even got to that place.  If you are struggling with something your best bet is to for one AVOID it.  Seems like a simple answer but there were PLENTY of times where I can admit that I set MYSELF up simply by placing myself in an environment where I KNEW I would be tempted and more than likely succumb to it. 

Anywho this entry is turning out to be longer than I had anticipated for it be soo yea I'm just gonna end it like that and maybe pick up later....prob not.

END

God will use just about ANYbody

So I'm on a roll with two posts on the same day!  Anywho as I was sitting here thinking about where I'm going to live in 10days my phone rang.  It's the guy who has a townhouse for rent in Nashville.  One of the first things he mentioned when he was first telling me about the property was "I'm a Christian" he explained that you know in today's time that may not carry much weight but it does with him and so he's an honest person etc etc.  So the more I talk to him about renting this place I dunno I just REALLY like this guy!  Not in a relationship/dating kind of way... I dunno.... u ever just meet someone that almost immediately you can lowkey feel being like your BFF?  Yea that kinda like.  He's so helpful and he even encourages me with the Word and talks about prayer! lol   If you can tell me how we go from discussing rental terms to talking about prayer and God then I'll give you a million bucks because I have no idea myself.  So anywho I'm telling him how everything I had planned has kind of fell apart in the last 2 days and so now I need a roommate and I still wasn't sure about a lot of things and do you know this man explained how from talking to me he can sense that I'm a good person and even volunteered to pay all my moving expenses?!?!  His townhouse is actually really nice and he's offering it to me at drastically lower price than he has advertised and others are certainly willing to pay more to rent it.  So anywho I explained to him how things fell apart and how it may sound "crazy" but I think I just need a little time to pray about things and wait on the Lord and then I can make a decision and he completely understood.  He even told me not to stress because if God brought me this far He'll work out all the details.  He told me how time isn't even an issue with God because He is the creator of time.  To Him 10,000yrs is but an hour and I dunno everything He said was exactly what I needed to hear so I'm feeling a lot better thanks to his encouraging words.  He even said that if I choose not to stay in his house he would be glad to help me find a place and stay in contact with me until I do so that's good.  I'm gonna pray for him tonight because he's so kind and I'm thankful for that.

Another random person that has blessed me is my BFF Leesa.   BFF is included in her title :).  So anywho I went to Vegas about a week ago and had an AMAZING time with my girlfriends after we had the most HORRIBLE experience with DELTA airlines and flights being delayed and being stranded UGH!  So anywho on my flight from Atlanta to Las Vegas the woman who sat next to me was named Leesa. Under normal circumstances I ALWAYS go to sleep on planes.  Leesa kindly informs me that she doesn't like to sleep on planes O_o.  Ladies and gentlemen I have a 4hr long plane ride with Leesa who talks to me the ENTIRE four hours bless her heart lol.  At first I really tried to just put on my headphones to my iPod and tune Leesa out but she was persistent and continued to talk, tap my shoulder lean on me when she was cold YEA...the works!!! LOL  So she's reading this book about being successful and she begins to tell me how it really has blessed her and she gives me a list of other books to read and she begins to talk about online dating, random stuff and God.  I had been praying about learning how to save lately even with my best friend so that he could hold me accountable for keeping up with what I said.  So in talking to Leesa she gave me a savings plan so that by the time I'm done with my PhD I can have about $30,000 cash stashed away in a savings acct or something.  And it's sooo doable!  I was excited to say the least!  And I'm REALLY going to implement all the things the told me.  We talked about saving and life and being happy and letting go of things and just EVERYTHING.  So she is now known as my BFF Leesa.  Oh yea Leesa was a 45yo beige woman who looked amazing!  I mention her race only because well...we all know that beige people don't age well but she looked great!  We talked about working out and everything too! lol.  I'm glad I didn't go to sleep on that plane because I now have a list of books that are soon to be read and a savings plan and great outlook on life.  I'm excited because one of the things I would like to do in my lifetime is save up an inheritance so that when I'm gone I can leave my family with both money and property.  I think that we as Blacks in America don't do this enough if at all.  And I'm not talking about just a few hundred here and there I mean I want to leave a REAL inheritance to my grandchildren.

So yea that's my story of how two random people have really blessed me recently and I thank God for 'em. :)  Be kind to people because truthfully God will use anybody to talk to you.

God certainly has a sense of humor :)

I actually have two posts to write today but I think I'll write just this one because by the time I'm done I'm almost certain that I won't remember what I was going to write for the second post.  You're right...I could simply jot down right now what I'm going to blog about but that's just not how I roll :)

So for the last couple of days I have been stressed to the MAX trying to find a place to live in Nashville AND a roommate all in basically 10days!  LONNGGG story...actually I think that's what I was going to blog about!  Anywho so yea I've been searching and searching...to no avail.  So today I'm at work and I thought to myself "I've been doing all of this and putting all my faith in myself to get things done and not once did I stop to ask God".  Now I had certainly thanked Him and praised Him for grad school and everything especially when I thought I had my living situation squared away.  But when things went haywire I panicked and began stressing and searching...exhausting myself to say the least.   So yea I'm at work at my desk unfortunately doing absolutely NOTHING work related but instead searching and stressing over my living situation.  So I bow my head in prayer and I PROMISE you as SOON as I said AMEN my phone goes off with someone looking for a roommate.  I couldn't do anything but laugh at myself for taking so long to even ask.  He's NEVER let me down and I couldn't believe that I hadn't made Him my first option after all.  So yea  even now I'll admit I'm still slightly freaking out but truthfully I'm kinda over it...I know that God's got it...I've done my part and I'll continue looking a little but I know that things will work themselves out...so I'm GOOD :) and so is God.

Onto how God got his second laugh off of me today.  So I came home from work EXHAUSTED today...partly probably because I haven't been eating the most square of meals as of late and I also haven't been taking my vitamins.  So yea I take a nap and then I get up thinking of all the things I needed to do before bed tonight...most of which consisted of readings.  So I roll over and feel for my glasses in the usual spot that I toss them when I nap and you guessed it....they're no where to be found.  I searched HIGH and LOW for those glasses for an HOUR.  I mean I'm looking under the bed thinking Dino (my dog) may have taken them to his hiding spot...I've looked in the bathroom, in the window sill, on the desk, in the laundry basket...yea...random places I lay them at times...don't judge me lol.  So I then send out a tweet talking about how it's gonna be a long night since I can't find my glasses and then I REMEMBERED (you like how that's in reference to an earlier post I wrote huh?..yea...go check it out! lol)  what He did earlier so once again I bowed my head in prayer.  I go upstairs to get my iPod to charge and you guessed it...I found my glasses! LOL.  I literally "lol'd" at myself.  I'm not going to tell you where they were as it is embarrassing...how they were in the most common of places.  So I was thinking to myself He probably sits up there laughing at me looking in all these weird places shaking His head saying "All you had to do was ASK".

So there you have it people...that's my simple post today but it speaks volumes.  This not only works for housing and glasses but in LIFE.  Sometimes all we have to do is ASK Him.  It's easy to say that we have faith but when storms come or stress comes our way we tend to put our faith in ourselves or our own resources but I ask you today to begin to ask Him and watch Him move!  Be blessed and don't stress love buckets!

-Jess

My body is a Temple

So lately I've been stuck on this treating my body like a temple thing.  This is God's gift to me and everyday that I wake up I thank Him for my life.  I thank Him that I can breathe on my own and not by a machine, I thank Him for my health, my sight, the ability to walk, my hearing, that I'm in my right mind, etc.  These are things that many of us take for granted or really we simply don't take the time out to even really ever think about them.  But I look at people who can't walk or who were in some type of accident and aren't able to carry out these everyday functions and I thank God for His grace and mercy because that could certainly be me.
At the age of 12 I had surgery on my back because I had scoliosis so I have a metal rod on each side of my spine to keep it aligned correctly since it was curved.  I had to learn to walk again and do things differently after surgery but I definitely gained an appreciation for these things.  I don't take my health for granted or my ability to walk. 
We should begin to take care of our bodies.  Not only by practicing celibacy (for those of you that do...no shade to those who don't God still loves you and so do I!...don't worry there's no condemnation here :) )but on top of that I think that a good way to treat your body as a temple  is really to just take care of yourself by eating healthy and exercising.

Really treat your body like a temple.  Be conscience of the things you eat, exercise, relax.  If we just eat eat eat and allow ourselves to become fat then not only do we introduce the risks associated with health problems but we also open ourselves up to depression and other things.  My old pastor would preach about people getting into shape and taking care of their bodies....especially since a great portion of the congregation was overweight...primarily the Black women.
So for the past couple of weeks I've started back exercising and eating healthy.  I even have my coworkers joining with me and they are exercising and eating healthier!  I'm still working on my mom...eh *shrug*.  But yea ladies and gentlemen what are YOU doing to treat your body like a temple?  I promise you that you'll feel better!  I have more energy now and it just plain old feels GOOD.  I LOVE jogging outside...to see the trees and the clear blue Carolina skies.  It also helps to relieve stress.  If you've been considering getting into shape or anything lately go ahead and start now!  To help you all out I found a great FREE site!  Check out www.caloriecount.about.com  It's really cool!  You can type in the foods you eat each day, the exercise you do each day, and your daily weight.  Actually seeing what you eat each day will help you be a more conscious eater and the numbers will certainly motivate you...trust me!  Anywho  I wish you all the best and I hope you'll join me on this mission to get tight!...literally....I'll post some before and after pictures when I get toned so you guys can see!

SORRY GUYS!!!

So I know I haven't updated this thing in ooooo saaayyy forever but yea!  Let me catch you guys up to speed.  I've been SO BUSY with graduate school applications, work, AND school.  But the good news is that I got into the PhD graduate school at Meharry Medical College!!!!!!  Thank GOD!!!  I was sooooo excited when I got accepted!  I got an email on a Wednesday when I was getting off work and literally went into my own little praise and worship break at my desk...no shame baby no shame!

After what I thought to be a HORRIBLE phone interview with the graduate admissions committee I just knew I would get rejected :(  Everything that could go wrong DID go wrong...a few of the interviewers had accents and they put me on speaker phone and anyone who knows me knows I HATE speaker phone because I can never tell what the heck people are saying!  Add that to an accent...and we have a recipe for disaster...I had to keep asking them to repeat themselves and on TOP of that my cell phone hung up on them in the middle of the interview!!!  I called the number on my phone back and luckily they answered.  I apologized and allowed them to continue to GRILL me!

After I got off the phone I was initially depressed....I called my close friends to tell them how bad I bombed the interview but let me tell you how good God is,,,,literally EVERY one of my friends that I called had a Word for me which definitely lifted me out of my slump.  Speaking of which, if you don't already you DEFINITELY need some friends who know at least a little something about the Word in your corner.  They help hold you accountable and will def hold you down on issues that others simply can't.  Also a great source of encouragement and even confirmation to an extent.  So anywho after talking to them I talked to God.  I was reminded of what He said and I had to let go of the self doubt.  If He said it then I believe it so I just had to believe that despite the fact that I think I had the world's worst phone interview I would get in...and I did.  GRATEFUL is an understatement!  So anywho I'm excited still and I've been busy trying to find a place to live in Nashville...which under normal circumstances would probably be a simple task but I have a pitbull and most apt complexes will certainly not allow that.  So I decided today to hire a free apartment selector...hopefully they will email me a list of options and I'll just take a leap of faith and choose one.
Truthfully at this point in my life I don't think I want a roommate.  Only because I've always had one...all during college and after graduation I moved back in with my grandparents so I would really just like some SPACE...even if it's just to relax nekkie by myself in the living room and play the xbox kinect ...that's fine by me!  Kind of just want to try things on my own.  I've always paid for everything on my own but I mean to really live in my own...no distractions...just myself. 

So that's all I just wanted to update everyone to let you guys know that I have not abandoned you I am simply trying to get things squared away and once that's all in order I'll be back!

God Bless!

Faithful in the Rain

Last night was GREAT!  Pastor Andy preached a great sermon which I shall delve into after I get a few rants and raves out the way!

1) I signed up for a showcase! whaaaaaat! Yea so those who know me know I have absolutely no talent other than *drum roll please* being completely awesome #LookAtMeNow!  Anywho I signed up for the showcase at church b/c I found this AWESOME spoken word video on DD's blog and I LOVED it so much that I decided to perform it!  Go me woop woop!...Only thing is auditions are Sat morning at 8am so I only have 2 days to learn and master this thing!  Decided I would try new things this year so yea.  Anywho I shall keep you guys posted..trust me if I make it into finals you'll know.  Yea so auditions are too legit...videotaped and all...if you even make it to the final round (can't believe they even have rounds!)...at least you know that you won't have to sit through people who think they can sing but really can't! This should be entertaining...

2) I have submitted my application to the PhD program in Biomedical Science at Meharry Medical College!  Keep me in your prayers guys!  I'm EXCITED about this...I've been praying about it for a while now and I'm done praying about it...I believe it I receive and that settles it so I'm letting go and I'm watching God! siiiiiiiiiiggghhhhh ....that just felt good to say! 

3)Me and D-Money (self proclaimed nickname of my best friend...lame but you've gotta love this guy) started our Bedside Bible Study Prayer Group last night (yea I made that name up..cool huh?)! woohoo!  It was great we went over Tim 4-6...good stuff.  I LOVE discussing the Word.  I learned so much from what he thought about it and he from what I thought about it.  Amazing how God surely sends you confirmation to assure you that you're on the right track! yasssss!

Okay so service last night was great.  The sermon was titled "Faithful in the Rain!"  Pastor Andy preached from the book of Job and I Corinthians 6.  We talked about how people always say they want the wisdom of Solomon, the heart of David, the faith of Abraham etc etc but no one ever asks for the spirit of Job.  The truth is that we NEED the spirit of Job.  ALL things come from God, both good and bad.  Who are we as Christians to only accept the good?  It's easy to love and praise God when He is blessing you with someTHING but what about when He is still?  "If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' love those who love them" Luke 6:32  Surely I praise Him when he is moving in my life but when He is still I continue to do so because I am REMINDED of what He has already done.  We praise Him when the sun is shining but what do you do when the rain comes?  "Some trust in chariots, and some in horses: but we will remember the name of the LORD our God." Psalm 20:7  
Think about this scripture for a second.  During a time of war imagine being surrounded by opposing forces and weapons of all types.  Instead of fleeing and instead of surrendering or thinking that their own chariots or horses would save them, these people REMEMBERED what God had already done for them and KNEW that he would NEVER leave them nor forsake them.  Even while you are going through God is with you.
"³⁵Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? ³⁷No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. ³⁸ For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, ³⁹ neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. " ~Luke 6:35-39

Faith is so much MORE than believing God for someTHING.  We need to be able to worship and praise Him despite our circumstances or situations.  Weeping may endure for the night or maybe a couple of nights but rest assured that joy cometh in the morning.  I praise God because he LOVED me so...He DIED for me, He comforts me and consoles me, He protects and shields me, He saved me...even from myself..  If He NEVER does another thing for me I promise you I will STILL praise Him because He's already done more than enough for me.  I REMEMBER what He did for me.  Also know that there is ALWAYS a reason for things happening in your life....even when you can't recognize what that reason is.  I've wondered about this several times in life and from my own personal experiences it just so happens that maybe years later I'm ministering to someone else about what I've been through.  Often times your ministry is developed through your testimony.  Someone else finds motivation and help in your testimony and becomes delivered.  If God did it for me He will surely do it for you....I truly believe that.  So if you haven't already today take a moment out to tell God THANK YOU for all the things that He has already done for you.  REMEMBER those things.  Show a little love to someone and have a blessed day!  Glad I had the opportunity to share this with you guys!  Peace Out!

-Graham

***O and PS I sent up the most beautiful prayer for my unborn Goddaughter and her parents last night! :)

Hope you guys are ready!

OK so!  In all seriousness I am probably the world's most sporadic blogger but that is allll about to change!  I used to enjoy writing a lot so I'm going to attempt to get back into it.  Anywho as far as this blog is concerned I will certainly be blogging a lot more.  I've decided that for the next month or so I'm going to get back into vigorously reading the Word.  I'm really excited about this because I feel like I'm on the verge of something...not sure what but I trust God.  I just feel like He's moving in my life and is developing me and I'm excited about it...I'm open.  I'm even more excited because my best friend has decided to join me in doing this and so we've agreed that every night we're going to have our bedside Bible study sessions and go over the Word together!  I think it will bless us both and he's been meaning to do this for a while so yea!  Anywho I'm going to post a few times each week the things that are heavy on my heart and the things I learn along the way as well as the things that he and I read each day.  I'll also be sharing some testimonies with you all and of course I'll include some of my #random rants and raves that have absolutely nothing to do with ...well anything but that's just me...you'll start to notice my randomness if you follow the blog.  As of right now I'm almost certain I'm the only person following this blog but that's cool because truthfully I think I will more so be ministering to myself which is ayyyyyy ok with me in my book.  So yea that's all hope u guys are ready!

Love,
Jess

New Year Fasting Updates

So 2011 is here and I must say that life has been moving pretty fast.  Celebrated my 25th birthday Saturday woop woop!  Almost done with my fast (Feb 6th)!  Can I just say that dieting will certainly do the trick with weight loss better than exercise!  Calm down calm down I'm only saying that b/c for years I've always exercised but diets...yeaaa just not my thing.  It helped me to maintain but I still had splurges or whatever but anywho I digress.  Since Jan 3rd I've been fasting from breads, potatoes, pastas, corn, milk, rice, desserts, and any beverage except for water and I feel sooo refreshed!  I have certainly dropped weight and I admit...I haven't worked out since 2010.  The fast helped me to realize that I clearly don't eat enough veggies so after the fast is done I'm going to adopt some of the things from the fast and incorporate them into my everyday lifestyle.

Did a scavenger hunt for my birthday which was HEE-LARRY-US!  Had all of my friends running around looking crazy but we had so many good laughs and stuff from it...def one for the memory books!

A couple months from now I have a testimony that I would like to share with you all but it's still unfolding at the moment so I'm still working through it.  Hopefully it will save someone else's life or prevent it from happening in the lives of others.  This entry is a bit all over the place and truthfully that's because I wanted to share what was going on but I changed my mind....not ready for that yet...but I didn't want to waste the few minutes that I used to log on by not writing an entry lol. 

Almost done with my grad school essays/applications.  My #1 choice for grad school is the PhD program at Meharry and then it's Georgia State...lastly is Clark Atlanta.  Keeping the faith!  I'm excited about what the future holds.  Ready for the challenge and new experiences.  I'm gonna do better with my blogging but for now with my fasting and recent events it's hard to squeeze the time in for it but have no fear I'll be back before you know it!