Wowwwww I know I am probably the most sporadic blogger in America!
Newho I felt the need 2 blog 2day n realized I didn't remember my password so I went through a long process but needless 2 say I found it! haha Soooo onto my blog. This entry's purpose is more so for myself. Free-writing:Soooo we had revival tonight on Alston Ave in the Bull for my church (Bethel Family Worship Center w/ Bishop George Bloomer- I know how lame lol but yes I did plug my church haha) And can I just say that looking back I have become such a wonderful young woman. Sometimes you just have to sit back and admire and encourage yourself. I have come to know God for MYSELF. Revival tonight just I dunno it just sparked something in me. To stop inhibiting myself. To stop becoming a distraction to myself. To stop contradicting myself, making my thoughts/feelings/actions all seem to be an inevitable oxymoron to one another. This entry is just divulging the transparency of myself.
It's like both the Batman and the Joker part of me coexist. They both exist when it is convenient and appeasing to me. When I'm bad I'm BAD and when I'm good I'm GREAT. I want to read my Bible and study the word to strengthen my walk with Christ but at the same time I want to go out and get wasted with the homies sometimes, have a random fling every once in a while for the fun of it and every once in a BLUE MOON hit a blount...or two...and I don't even smoke but the few times I tried it were kinda cool. I'm just being honest. Most Christians won't admit to things like that so it becomes so taboo and it never gets addressed...nobody TALKS ABOUT IT...that's y the kids today...okay getting off topic ...I'll save that for another day. How can I bless God with this mouth and still do the things that I do? I ENJOY the things that I do. I know God covers me and he loves me and all that other stuff that people say but I've come to know God for myself and the spirit of conviction has been hitting kind of hard lately. Kinda feel like that person in a relationship that takes advantage of the other person who is oh so in love with me. My spirit just feels REALLY uneasy depending on my actions.
It all started like 3 weeks ago when I was driving back to NC form DC on a Sunday after visiting my friend D listening to the radio. EVERY station that I turned to was preaching the SAME sermon...no joke! Even the commercials I scanned through and the stations that barely had a signal were all preaching it...it was freaky so I turned the radio off and then back on. They were all preaching that message about how we died on the cross with Jesus and how it is not me who lives but He who lives within me. (hope u heard it b4 b/c I'm not explaining all that) Newho the message basically went on to say that In order to have that effective walk in Christ, I have to give up those things, all those things that I enjoy doing but really aren't meant for my good...at all. In essence the "Jessica" in me has to die. I have to carry my cross and live the life that Jesus lived.
For a long time now that has been my struggle in my walk. Giving up the habits and ecstasies of my past. It is sooo much easier said than done. Two steps forward and 8 steps back in one day. The celibacy thing is actually kind of easy for me honestly but every once in a blue moon...yea but anyways that part isn't hard...I can give that part up...especially when I'm not really interested in anyone/a relationship. But my thoughts and desires and actions often contradict who I know I should be or to an extent who I know I am. I feel like that story I read in the Bible about ol' dude...Paul I think (don't quote me)...somewhere in Romans...anyway he was talking about struggling with sin and wanting to do right but doing wrong and the battle in his mind and in his spirit that he was subject to as a result of it. That's how I feel.
Okay RANDOM I know but its 12:52am and I am DEF an early bird now sooo I'm gonna finish this 2morrow lol. I totally lost my train of thought and now my eyes are droopy so I'm gonna finish l8r promise!
I'm mad at how I just cut myself off like that but apparently I did that on a LOT of entries LOL. Anywho wow...crazy how I've come a long way but that's good stuff! Not to say that temptations don't still arise but yea I'm definitely not struggling in a constant battle with myself. As far as celibacy goes yes at times it's DIFFICULT but for the most part I don't struggle with it simply because I'm so busy with other things that I don't really take the time to focus on it. Once you divert all of your attention and energy away from it it really by default becomes "out of sight out of mind". And then I just REMEMBER my whole reasoning behind even choosing to become celibate and that keeps me motivated as well. Just enjoying my friends and my life and looking forward to school at this point. As far as the other things yea...I think that at some point in your walk with Christ and even as an adult to an extent you simply do have to put certain things/people/habits/environments behind you. Just as you can't be a baby forever in life you can't try to remain a baby in this walk with Christ. At some point you have to keep it real with yourself and grow up. If not it can become easy for you to be pulled back into a past that you thought you had escaped and wonder how you even got to that place. If you are struggling with something your best bet is to for one AVOID it. Seems like a simple answer but there were PLENTY of times where I can admit that I set MYSELF up simply by placing myself in an environment where I KNEW I would be tempted and more than likely succumb to it.
Anywho this entry is turning out to be longer than I had anticipated for it be soo yea I'm just gonna end it like that and maybe pick up later....prob not.
END
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