Sinking Ships, Fear, and Trusting God

I blog because it keeps me sane.  Per the usual, this entry is written to myself...my thoughts in writing.  This PhD program has really pushed me to the limit.  Not in the sense of the program being too difficult for me but in terms of figuring out what my purpose in life is.  I've been trying to find that "thing" that motivated me to even decide to pursue a PhD in the first place because I think I've lost sight of that in the midst of all the economical and political bull$h!t that governs what we know to be graduate school.  

While I've certainly experienced my fair share of tribulations while here in Nashville, this one is quite different.  I've never questioned if I was doing the right thing as far as making decisions in my life because I've always felt that God was with me.  Not to say that He isn't with me right now because nothing separates us from Him or His love but I'm seriously being pulled to go in another direction. I'm currently unhappy and things are literally unraveling at the seams.  I'm holding on to a sinking ship because once upon a time this ship was everything to me.  I'm holding on to what the ship once was and not what it is.  At one point, the ship was a distant dream only seen if I stared off into the distance across the ocean and used my imagination.  Over time the ship got closer and I thought "I don't have the credentials to sail on this ship".  But God's favor and grace let me be one in that number on the ship.  Once there, I grew stronger and wiser than I ever thought I could.  And all of a sudden the ship that was once a dream and extravagant and beautiful at a distance became too small.  I began to see the splinters in the ship and the leaks and the crew members stearing the ship who had no sense of direction.  I'm a passenger lost at sea.  These things I wouldn't have been able to see until I got on the ship and until I learned more about and saw more of the ship, spending time with the ship.  The ship wasn't all it was cracked up to be.

Over time, the leaks took a turn for the worst and the cracks that once let in slow drops now let in streams.  I'm drowning but I'm staying with this ship because I remember how it once was; recalling staring at the ship from the shore.  Did I make the wrong decision in getting on this ship?  And now I'm here on a sinking ship.  I can jump ship and take a piece of the ship to help float me back to safety at shore or I can hold on to the ship and go down with it.  What will everyone think of me?  The people who sing my praises because I'm on the ship will sing no more.  I've left so many things behind to catch this ship; would it all have been in vain?  Was getting on the ship worth it?  Jumping ship leaves me in uncharted waters and territories.  Fear of the unknown compels me to stay hoping the ship will stay afloat and yet something is telling me to jump.  That it is OK to let go....

Granted this story is talking about a "ship" but it's the story of my life right now; parables.  In church on Sunday we talked about "Fear of the Unknown".  What my ship story just reminded me of was Jesus asking Peter to walk on water.  Peter's fear of the unknown is what caused him to sink.  When he kept his eyes and his faith on God, he walked but when he began to fear and doubt God's faithfulness, he no longer trusted him in that moment and started to sink.  And even still God didn't let him drown.  The focus is not on how can I fear less, but how do I trust God MORE.  Is my faith bigger than my fear?  If I'm honest with myself, my current situation tells me that my fear is bigger than my faith.  

Fear erases God's faithfulness in your past.  When we become fearful, we forget all that God has ALREADY done for us.  God has certainly kept me as I have held on and let go to many a ship, but they all had a safety boat. Or there was always someone around who could swim who helped me to safety.  The other ships went down where land was visible, familiar land.  I wasn't sure how long it would take me to get my safety boat together or even how to put it together but I knew that it was there and so was the land so I was always confident that I would survive even if death stared me in the face.  My safety boat was MY plan for my life.  It ALWAYS served as a back up plan for me.  If I'm honest about that, the safety boat is probably my first plan and I trust God after my safety plan is in place so that just in case his plan doesn't work I won't drown.  This is the first time where I literally have no safety boat/plan and I'm fearful.  

Fear will establish the limits of your life.  People who are afraid of heights never climb high.  Fear of failure causes us to never try.  Fear of people or of being hurt makes us stay away from relationships.  We settle into careers/jobs and relationships because of fear.  Fear of success is real as well.  We never apply for that scholarship or that raise because of fear.  I don't want fear to dictate whether I jump or stand firm on the ship.  I want my faith to determine that.  In order to do that I need to TRUST God MORE and REMEMBER that He is and always has been faithful.  I won't let my circumstances place fear in my heart and in my mind causing me to forget His faithfulness in my past.  I won't go to God as a backup plan in the event that my own plan for my life doesn't work.  These are active processes that have to be put into practice in my life or else I am like the candle that burns but is hidden, out of fear, never fulfilling it's purpose to be the light it was destined to be.  

 In Exodus 3:9-14 God tells Moses to go NOW to Pharaoh to bring the Israelites out of Egypt. Before this, Moses was estranged from Egypt, a murderer, and had speech problems.  While Moses expressed his reservations of how he thought he was the wrong man for the job, God assured him that he was.  Often times (heck all the time) God's plan for us is so much bigger and greater than we could ever imagine for ourselves.  You have to trust God's prompting over your plans.  Of course this is easier said than done but trusting God is at the center of it all.  I'm not exactly sure of what God is prompting me to do.  The plans I had for myself are going down with the sinking ship but I will say this.  Fear won't get the best of me!  I'm going to stay faithful in this season of the sinking ships (yes that's plural..this is the third sinking ship I've been on in the last couple of months but not the largest sinking ship).  

In my short lived life I've learned that ALL things work together for the good of those that love the Lord.  Everything good and everything bad that has happened in my life happened so that I could be right here at this place in this moment in time.  In this I am confident.  So yes at the moment I'm unsure of things and that brings about a little fear but I won't submit to it.  I acknowledge it and I keep pressing on with my head unbowed.  Life ain't never been no crystal stair (Langston Hughes)

"...I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul" -William Ernest Henley Invictus

Simple yet Powerful

I haven't updated the blog in  while.  My life has literally been in shambles.  I'll have a testimony to share one day but that day isn't today.  I did however want to share something so simple and yet powerful.  I'll just share this story with you.

So this point I'm still going through my ordeal.  My spirit is hurting and my prayer every day is for God to just keep me because I literally couldn't keep myself.  I felt as if my world stopped.  I wasn't eating...or anything for that matter.  I would muster up enough strength to make myself start going back to school everyday only to be on the verge of  breakdown by the end of the day and make it home to curl up in a ball in my bed and stay that way until the next morning.  That was how every day was.  I was just a shell of myself.  I just lost the will to live.  Not in a suicidal way but I was so sad and so hurt by a lot of things that I just experienced and I became angry with God wondering if He left me.
I know that scripture says He'll never leave us nor forsake us.  I kept playing Romans 8:38-39 over and over again in my head: ³⁸ For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,^[a] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, ³⁹ neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.  But what do you do when you really don't feel his presence.  And you really don't think He is hearing your prayers.  I was in prayer and I know scripture says that He will comfort those in mourning and I didn't feel like He was comforting me.  It was just He and I and I had never felt so alone in my life.  I became angry with Him.  
I was invited to visit my classmate's church and arrived early.  She went out the night before and informed me that she wouldn't be able to make the Bible study before service but at this point I thought I need all the Word I can get so I go solo.  I arrive at the church and I wind up joining the group of elderly people (literally everyone was 68+).  We're talking about Jonah and the whale and I'm going in and out of listening because I can't get my mind off how sad I am and how I think I'm just not going to be able to pull myself together to make it out of this one.  All I recall is one of the women saying "He'll never put more on you than you can bear".  As MANY times as I've heard this, that day it finally clicked.  She went on to encourage whoever by saying that literally God has equipped you with everything you need to make it through whatever your situation is.  He will never put anything on you that you can't handle or that would cause you to turn your faith away from Him.  He is made strong in our weakness.  In that moment, I realized that I was going to make it.  I wasn't sure how but I began to pray differently.  It was no longer "God I can't make it through this without you...." it was now "God, I'm hurting, BUT I know that I'll make it through this...please keep me and restore me and heal me.  Teach me your patience while I am going through."  and I began to take comfort in knowing that this wasn't going to kill me.  I would make it through and in my right mind.  I found strength in what that woman said that day and if I could I would go up to her and say "Thank You" although I'm quite sure she would hardly remember that day.
My devotional this morning was talking about finding comfort and encouragement in God (Trusting God daily devotional by Joyce Meyers; I was having a hard time trusting Him during my ordeal so I bought this devotional and boy did it help).  One of the things I failed at while going through was turning to people for comfort and encouragement and I just couldn't find it.  The devotional challenged me to try God FIRST and explained how He would use those around you, even unexpected ones or even things you hear on the radio etc to comfort you and encourage you and minister to you.  I think that in my praying, God put that woman in my group that day with a Word that was just for me.  Even though I had heard that line literally a thousand times, that day it was for me.
Since then, I begin each morning with prayer and devotion.  I know that God is healing me and molding me.  I'm in a much better place now.  I write this to say that whatever it is that you are going through, know that He will never put more on you than you can bare and where we are weak, He is made strong.  He was listening to my prayers, even though it didn't FEEL like He was (that's another story by itself saved for another day).  He never left my side, even when I didn't turn to Him.  He continues to keep me and heal me with each day.  I'm not sure of a lot of things but I know that He's preparing me for greater :)

Just wanted to share that.  Yea there's no fancy ending that's just it lol.  Hope this story made sense and wasn't all over the place and even if it was, hopefully you get what I was trying to convey.  Be blessed people!

-Jess

Loving Like Him

 36“Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?” 37 Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’[c] 38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’[d] Matt 22:37-39

34 “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. 35 By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” John 13:34-35
Last week in church we began a series titled "The Reckless Ones" and essentially it's about challenging us as Christians to love more like Christ.  Statistics show that there is an increasing number of people who identify themselves as atheist or no longer go to church.  One of the major reasons for this is that Christians today don't love as Christ loved.  Religion has complicated what Jesus made simple.  We took the 10 commandments and turned them into hundreds of laws, most of which people can't even seem to agree upon.  Now there are things that Jesus requests of us that aren't included in the 10 commandments but you get the point.  We have so many rules and regulations and we condemn so many people that they can't see the love of God through us, they only see judgement and condemnation. Even Christ himself did not come to condemn us but to save us and because of his grace he declared us righteous, not because of anything we did or anything we changed about ourselves (Refer to "Living a life of thank you" blog entry about god's grace).  

If I speak in the tongues^[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. ² If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. ³ If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,^[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing. 1 Corinthians 13:1-3

This tells us that whatever we SAY, KNOW, BELIEVE, GIVE, AND DO means NOTHING if we don't love.  As Christians today we are educated beyond our obedience.  We bounce from church to church for "deeper" teachings and study and memorize scripture and modify what we eat and what time of day we deem holy and condemn those who sin but still aren't obedient to the most simple request God asked of us which was to love.

⁸ Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. ⁹ Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. ¹⁰ Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms. ¹¹ If anyone speaks, they should do so as one who speaks the very words of God. If anyone serves, they should do so with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen. 1 Peter 4:8-11

 We throw the term "love" around so loosely that it's desensitized...it's lost it's meaning.  "I love your shoes!"  "I love ice cream"  "I love God"  "I love my kids"   One of the things I've noticed is that today our love is conditional. As kids we are only nice to those who are nice to us,  as adults we enter into relationships and as soon as one of the conditions of the relationship is broken we divorce or end friendships.  Some of us have probably lost out on some really great friends over something petty.  Part of loving is learning to forgive without keeping record of wrongs...just as God has forgiven us.  We then go to church and are educated beyond our obedience quoting almost every scripture ever written posting it to our facebook, instagram, and twitter accounts and yet we don't reflect his love in our lives.  We don't associate ourselves with people who don't love just like us or live just like us.  The truth is that we are to learn to love UNconditionally as Christ did.  Jesus dined and hung out with murderers, prostitutes, sinners, etc and he never condemned them he only loved them and through his love and grace they were changed and followed him.  His love covered their sins.  One thing that we mistaken as Christians is that if we associate with these types of people we are somehow condoning what they do and that couldn't be further from the truth.  For one, if we're honest most Christians were probably out participating as a side kick.  You can accept someone and love someone without always approving of what they do.

"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us". Roman 5:8

THE ONLY THING THAT CAN CONVICT SOMEONE AND TRANSFORM THEIR HEART IS THE HOLY SPIRIT.  You shoving scripture at someone, judging, or condemning them is not going to change them.  We are to love them just as Christ loved us while we were and still are out sinning so that just as God's love and mercy has covered and forgiven our sins we can mirror that same love to someone else.  Our love is proof that He even existed to people who don't know Christ.  I have fallen victim of trying to get people to change for God but what I had to realize is that I'm not the holy spirit.  All I can do is love people. tell them how good God is and who He is, and pray for them and treat them right...God will work out their salvation and convict their hearts and even then it's still up to them to work out their own salvation.  Truth be told I'm still working out my own salvation.  No one's perfect...no one.  We're all in this together but we can encourage each other and lift each other up in love.  Loving makes it that much easier for people to be willing to accept Christ and follow Him.  You can still tell people about themselves but in EVERYTHING you do, do it in love.

Ok I'm done.  I feel like this entry is a tad bit all over the place but hopefully you guys at least somewhat get what I'm trying to say.     Most times I just type as things come to mind so ideas may seem sporadic.  Anywho, I'm in the process of learning how to love but I'll most certainly share what I learn along the way.  I'm excited about the next 6 weeks and all that it has in store.  Peep the YouTube video below...I heard this song at church and again on the radio here in Nashville and fell in love with lyrics and couldn't think of a song more fitting for this entry :)

PS - for starters if you want to learn more of what love looks like check out 1 Corinthians 13

Introspection and Empty Promises

     Every time I think I've advanced in my walk with Christ I realize I have SO far to go.  I'm at a point where I'm really examining myself to get my heart and my mind in the right place.  So as of late I've been doing a bit of soul searching and questioning my life.  In church we've been speaking about idolatry and I've come to find that I had a lot of things that I need to work on
     As we began to look at idolatry we looked at things like success, our desire to please others, relationships, approval, our appearance, money etc.  Essentially idolatry is when we look to things to give us what only God can give us.  We always have that desire for more.  I'm guilty of this.  The whole attitude of "when I get this job/promotion/ when I get into school /if this person would just notice me/ when I get married / when I get this money then things will be okay for me...I'll be genuinely happy, my happiness and self worth will be fulfilled.   We get these things only to want for the next thing in line hoping that with these accomplishments comes the promise of love the promise of fulfillment the promise of acceptance...whatever you've promised yourself.
     The truth is that the more that we look to these things the emptier the promises become.  We get that job or that promotion or that guy/girl or we lose the weight and then we just want more because when we obtain it we didn't get the fulfillment that we thought would come with it...it soon after fades.  A good measure of determining what your idols are is to examine your thoughts.  What do you spend most of your time thinking about?  What do you put all of your energy towards?  Is God REALLY first in our lives or are we just lying to ourselves knowing He comes in a close 2nd or 3rd?  As much as I LOVE God the truth is that I'm not putting him first (I would put this in past tense but I'm just being honest with myself...still working on this...in the process of learning about myself).
     My idolatry came in the form of success and vanity/my appearance.  No I'm not addicted to retail or anything but the truth is that I very much so value it...my funds go towards it, my thoughts, my time etc.  It's easier/more comfortable for me...I'm more willing I should say to dedicate these things to my appearance than I am to dedicate the same things to God.  I put more time, energy, thought, and prayer into success and my appearance.  When that continued to give me empty promises I shifted my focus on strengthening my walk with Christ by being celibate, opting to not drink liquor and curse etc.  In doing so I became so focused on "following the rules" that I forgot about Him (if this is you read Galations 3, Paul tells us how the law won't save you but Christ will).  None of these things fulfilled me like only God can.
     Solomon talks about this in Ecclesiastes 1-2.  Solomon had become so RICH and denied himself NOTHING.  Anything you could think of he bought and anything there was to accomplish he accomplished it...yet there was nothing gained under the sun.  He found that wisdom, pleasure, folly, EVERYTHING was meaningless.  ²⁴ A person can do nothing better than to eat and drink and find satisfaction in their own toil. This too, I see, is from the hand of God, ²⁵ for without him, who can eat or find enjoyment? ²⁶ To the person who pleases him, God gives wisdom, knowledge and happiness, but to the sinner he gives the task of gathering and storing up wealth to hand it over to the one who pleases God. This too is meaningless, a chasing after the wind.
     Essentially what Solomon found was that only God could give him the promise of happiness, fulfillment, love, grace.  He could not find it in success, in working, in pleasuring himself, in drinking, in wisdom, in anything....but God.  
     So yea I guess my challenge to you is that you take time to really examine yourself and find out what your idols are.  Perhaps you're so focused on finding a husband, getting a job, how you look....whatever it may be.  I can only tell you from my own experiences but if you don't take my word for it listen to Solomon or anyone else in the Bible for that matter...don't continue on with the empty promises.  Put God first in your life and allow Him to fulfill you.  And I'll close with this:

Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs Jonah 2:8

I went to the Zoo!

So yesterday after leaving from my scheduled doctor's appointment, I decided to go to the Nashville Zoo!  It was REALLY nice!  I thought it would be kinda HOT and that I'd be all sweaty but for the most part the zoo is pretty shaded with lots of trees and bamboo.  It doesn't even stink there becuase they've planed so many honeysuckle and other sweet smelling plants which really masks well...everything.  Afterwards I went thrifting and bought lots of fruit to make smoothies and I picked out the SWEETEST pineapple!  I did the absolute MOST with HOURS of walking yesterday in the WRONG shoes so by the time I got home and actually sat down my poor feet were DONE.  Woke up this morning and they are just defeated, I'm even walking with a limp :/ so I'm relaxing today and finishing up some reading.  The weather is cooler today so I'll probably go for a jog later this afternoon.  I've always known that I enjoy outdoor activities but now I just LOVE outdoor activities whether it be hiking, running, sightseeing...I'm just a country girl.  So yea anywho thought I'd share a few pics I took yesterday!  Hope you enjoy and God bless!  Take some time out of your busy schedule to do something random and kinda fun to relax as well!  For the most part I just stood in awe of how beautiful the natural scenary was.  God is good :)

Golden Yellow Blouse $5   Blue Pencil skirt $3

GAP pink button up $4  GAP sleeveless button up $4

CROCS $5 *happy feet*

Shoes I wore to the zoo = FAIL!

FINALLY found a blue skater dress!!!  #YouCare

Just thought the bun was cute #random