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May xx, 2015
What do you do when your life seems to be at a crossroad? A literal standstill and all comes crashing down? Chasing after sinking ships only to make it back to shore and realize I'm on the wrong fucking island anyway. (Refer to sinking ships entry). I've decided that this here PhD program in Biomedical Science just isn't for me. It's not that it's hard by any means. My heart just isn't in it anymore. At first I thought it was but my experiences actually turned me more and more away from it to the point where I seriously had to reevaluate why I chose this program in particular to begin with. After a lot of prayer and soul searching I realized that life is too short to do something you hate and invest so much time into missing out on life as it passes you by. I've seriously been considering the legacy I'd like to leave behind in the world and how I want to give back and help people, particularly black people and I don't see me using this PhD to do so. I started looking into programs that better suit what I'd like to do. None of this eases my anxiety and hatred towards school so it's really hard to push through that. I can honestly say that I've survived the last 6mos of graduate school by God's grace and mercy. While I've completed all of my classes and maintained a 4.0 GPA, I haven't actually put forth much effort towards school in the slightest. Most of my energy is spent trying to psyche myself up enough to get out of bed and walk into the building. All of my remaining energy is put towards actually trying to do some work while there and most days I feel like I can't breathe. I usually take breaks outside when I can't take it anymore and feel like crying. Not quite sure why I keep torturing myself by showing up everyday and "pushing throug it". There's a lot more I could write about this but I won't because I'm tired of thinking about it. **Updated to say that about a month after this I took a three week leave of absence from school to get it together. The first two weeks were dedicated to trying to get out of bed and get my day started. Went to counseling once or twice and that wasn't helpful so I stopped. My mentor was very supportive during the process and was at first the only reason I decided to come back. I came back taking it one day at a time. Still here so that's a thing. My break away for a week in May 2016 (a year later) helped me put things into perspective and so now I'm back to enjoying my time in the lab. Not exactly like an amusement park every day but by no means is it where it used to be.**
In other news, love came back (see tear soaked pillows entry). I need to get my entire fucking life in order because this shit just can't be it. I still think it's crazy how that whole situation even happened. Either God has a sense of humor or (S)He's playing a cruel cruel joke on me. During this last year or two of my life I always pray the prayer about God removing people from my life that aren't supposed to be there. Pray for God to protect me from people who are not in his will to be in my life and are not of him. I kept praying this prayer about love too yet he was ALWAYS on my mind no matter how hard I tried to shake him. So one day I'm home and my phone kept freezing so I'm tapping the screen to unfreeze it. All of a sudden it unfreezes and goes through a million motions at the speed of light but I noticed love's face fly across my screen and Facebook. I thought that was weird but didn't think any more of it. A few days later I get an alert that love accepted my friend request 😳. I was SO confused. I didn't send any type of request, wth. I didn't want to unfriend thinking that would probably raise eyebrows so I left it alone thinking he'd forget about it. Around New Year's Day I get a FB msg with an apology in it that I didn't know I needed until I received it. After that followed a "closure dinner" and follow up hangouts and all types of confusing things. Never really took the time and space to process what all of this meant. Feelings that I thought were gone came back out of nowhere and I was angry at myself for feeling that way. Not sure how you can still love someone after they treat you some type of way and leave. Perhaps by the time I get to the end of this it'll all make sense. I feel like crying and I'm not sure why. I'm feeling stupid. Like I can't trust my discernment. You came back. I have no idea how or why but now you're here. In this space that was once wholly occupied by you and was since filled with so much hurt and sadness. I built walls that would put Fort Knox to shame to keep people like you out and far away from me. Prayed prayers of protection in the same way. And yet you're here. Not the same you, slightly different. Upgraded even. Still a stranger to me and yet so familiar. Can't figure out who you are. Don't think I'm supposed to at this point but my mind can't stop racing. I want to know who you are, what you want from me, and why you're here. In this space. Taking up so much space. You being around hurts. When I realize how deeply I was hurt and how many walls I've put up it makes my soul cringe. Trying to take them down one by one. A task I shouldn't be charged with doing alone and yet here the fuck I am. There are so many walls I don't know where to start. Some are just so heavy. Also asking the same questions of myself. What am I doing here, what do I want from you, and why. I'm always on the verge of passing out from holding my breath waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm SO scared that you'll hurt me. Intentionally, unintentionally, doesn't really matter. There are no guarantees, no promises, no efforts. Hanging on to words. Perhaps haphazardly spoken. Opening myself up for I have no idea what. I hate you for how you left me. I hate that you hurt me. I hate that I still love you. I hate that you take up so much space. I feel unguarded, unprotected. Stop taking up so much ghat damb space. I winded up asking love to stay away from me. Still questioning whether that was the right thing to do because my mind and my heart are saying two different things. Following my heart didn't work the first time around so I chose to follow my mind. Perhaps truth lies somewhere between the two. I seem to choose wrong when it comes to love. Or maybe the wrong love seems to find me. Maybe I made the decision because I have WAY too much going on in my life and trying to figure out that whole situation on top of school and my life was killing me. maybe I made the right decision and it just sucks because I actually do still love him, maybe..or not. Shit, I don't know...I'm just trying to breathe.
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