Retrospect

This is actually an entry from an old online journal I used to keep....I wrote this like 2-3 years ago!  This is the beauty that I find in writing.  When I read things that I once wrote/thought/felt/did it allows me to see the very essence of myself.  I see how I've grown or how I've backtracked or maybe even became stagnanat in other areas.  So here is a younger me writing...free writing at that.  If you don't know free writing is uninhibited writing...you simply write what's on your mind...you don't stop and think you don't edit you don't spell check..you simply think out loud...or on paper rather.  This was the one thing I learned to do in a 7th grade English class that just always stuck with me...so here take a gander....


Wowwwww I know I am probably the most sporadic blogger in America!   Newho I felt the need 2 blog 2day n realized I didn't remember my password so I went through a long process but needless 2 say I found it! haha  Soooo onto my blog.  This entry's purpose is more so for myself.  Free-writing:

Soooo we had revival tonight on Alston Ave in the Bull for my church (Bethel Family Worship Center w/ Bishop George Bloomer- I know how lame lol but yes I did plug my church haha)  And can I just say that looking back I have become such a wonderful young woman.  Sometimes you just have to sit back and admire and encourage yourself.  I have come to know God for MYSELF.  Revival tonight just I dunno it just sparked something in me.  To stop inhibiting myself.  To stop becoming a distraction to myself.  To stop contradicting myself, making my thoughts/feelings/actions all seem to be an inevitable oxymoron to one another.  This entry is just divulging the transparency of myself. 

It's like both the Batman and the Joker part of me coexist.  They  both exist when it is convenient and appeasing to me.  When I'm bad I'm BAD and when I'm good I'm GREAT.  I want to read my Bible and study the word to strengthen my walk with Christ but at the same time I want to go out and get wasted with the homies sometimes, have a random fling every once in a while for the fun of it and every once in a BLUE MOON hit a blount...or two...and I don't even smoke but the few times I tried it were kinda cool.   I'm just being honest.  Most Christians won't admit to things like that so it becomes so taboo and it never gets addressed...nobody TALKS ABOUT IT...that's y the kids today...okay getting off topic ...I'll save that for another day.  How can I bless God with this mouth and still do the things that I do?  I ENJOY the things that I do.  I know God covers me and he loves me and all that other stuff that people say but I've come to know God for myself and the spirit of conviction has been hitting kind of hard lately.  Kinda feel like that person in a relationship that takes advantage of the other person who is oh so in love with me.  My spirit just feels REALLY uneasy depending on my actions.

It all started like 3 weeks ago when I was driving back to NC form DC on a Sunday after visiting my friend D listening to the radio.  EVERY station that I turned to was preaching the SAME sermon...no joke!  Even the commercials I scanned through and the stations that barely had a signal were all preaching it...it was freaky so I turned the radio off and then back on.  They were all preaching that message about how we died on the cross with Jesus and how it is not me who lives but He who lives within me.  (hope u heard it b4 b/c I'm not explaining all that)  Newho the message basically went on to say that In order to have that effective walk in Christ, I have to give up those things, all those things that I enjoy doing but really aren't meant for my good...at all.  In essence the "Jessica" in me has to die.  I have to carry my cross and live the life that Jesus lived.

For a long time now that has been my struggle in my walk.  Giving up the habits and ecstasies of my past.  It is sooo much easier said than done.  Two steps forward and 8 steps back in one day.  The celibacy thing is actually kind of easy for me honestly but every once in a blue moon...yea but anyways that part isn't hard...I can give that part up...especially when I'm not really interested in anyone/a relationship.  But my thoughts and desires and actions often contradict who I know I should be or to an extent who I know I am.  I feel like that story I read in the Bible about ol' dude...Paul I think (don't quote me)...somewhere in Romans...anyway he was talking about struggling with sin and wanting to do right but doing wrong and the battle in his mind and in his spirit that he was subject to as a result of it.  That's how I feel.

Okay RANDOM I know but its 12:52am and I am DEF an early bird now sooo I'm gonna finish this 2morrow lol.  I totally lost my train of thought and now my eyes are droopy so I'm gonna finish l8r promise!



 I'm mad at how I just cut myself off like that but apparently I did that on a LOT of entries LOL.  Anywho wow...crazy how I've come a long way but that's good stuff!  Not to say that temptations don't still arise but yea I'm definitely not struggling in a constant battle with myself.  As far as celibacy goes yes at times it's DIFFICULT but for the most part I don't struggle with it simply because I'm so busy with other things that I don't really take the time to focus on it.  Once you divert all of your attention and energy away from it it really by default becomes "out of sight out of mind".  And then I just REMEMBER my whole reasoning behind even choosing to become celibate and that keeps me motivated as well.  Just enjoying my friends and my life and looking forward to school at this point.  As far as the other things yea...I think that at some point in your walk with Christ and even as an adult to an extent you simply do have to put certain things/people/habits/environments behind you.  Just as you can't be a baby forever in life you can't try to remain a baby in this walk with Christ.  At some point you have to keep it real with yourself and grow up.  If not it can become easy for you to be pulled back into a past that you thought you had escaped and wonder how you even got to that place.  If you are struggling with something your best bet is to for one AVOID it.  Seems like a simple answer but there were PLENTY of times where I can admit that I set MYSELF up simply by placing myself in an environment where I KNEW I would be tempted and more than likely succumb to it. 

Anywho this entry is turning out to be longer than I had anticipated for it be soo yea I'm just gonna end it like that and maybe pick up later....prob not.

END

God will use just about ANYbody

So I'm on a roll with two posts on the same day!  Anywho as I was sitting here thinking about where I'm going to live in 10days my phone rang.  It's the guy who has a townhouse for rent in Nashville.  One of the first things he mentioned when he was first telling me about the property was "I'm a Christian" he explained that you know in today's time that may not carry much weight but it does with him and so he's an honest person etc etc.  So the more I talk to him about renting this place I dunno I just REALLY like this guy!  Not in a relationship/dating kind of way... I dunno.... u ever just meet someone that almost immediately you can lowkey feel being like your BFF?  Yea that kinda like.  He's so helpful and he even encourages me with the Word and talks about prayer! lol   If you can tell me how we go from discussing rental terms to talking about prayer and God then I'll give you a million bucks because I have no idea myself.  So anywho I'm telling him how everything I had planned has kind of fell apart in the last 2 days and so now I need a roommate and I still wasn't sure about a lot of things and do you know this man explained how from talking to me he can sense that I'm a good person and even volunteered to pay all my moving expenses?!?!  His townhouse is actually really nice and he's offering it to me at drastically lower price than he has advertised and others are certainly willing to pay more to rent it.  So anywho I explained to him how things fell apart and how it may sound "crazy" but I think I just need a little time to pray about things and wait on the Lord and then I can make a decision and he completely understood.  He even told me not to stress because if God brought me this far He'll work out all the details.  He told me how time isn't even an issue with God because He is the creator of time.  To Him 10,000yrs is but an hour and I dunno everything He said was exactly what I needed to hear so I'm feeling a lot better thanks to his encouraging words.  He even said that if I choose not to stay in his house he would be glad to help me find a place and stay in contact with me until I do so that's good.  I'm gonna pray for him tonight because he's so kind and I'm thankful for that.

Another random person that has blessed me is my BFF Leesa.   BFF is included in her title :).  So anywho I went to Vegas about a week ago and had an AMAZING time with my girlfriends after we had the most HORRIBLE experience with DELTA airlines and flights being delayed and being stranded UGH!  So anywho on my flight from Atlanta to Las Vegas the woman who sat next to me was named Leesa. Under normal circumstances I ALWAYS go to sleep on planes.  Leesa kindly informs me that she doesn't like to sleep on planes O_o.  Ladies and gentlemen I have a 4hr long plane ride with Leesa who talks to me the ENTIRE four hours bless her heart lol.  At first I really tried to just put on my headphones to my iPod and tune Leesa out but she was persistent and continued to talk, tap my shoulder lean on me when she was cold YEA...the works!!! LOL  So she's reading this book about being successful and she begins to tell me how it really has blessed her and she gives me a list of other books to read and she begins to talk about online dating, random stuff and God.  I had been praying about learning how to save lately even with my best friend so that he could hold me accountable for keeping up with what I said.  So in talking to Leesa she gave me a savings plan so that by the time I'm done with my PhD I can have about $30,000 cash stashed away in a savings acct or something.  And it's sooo doable!  I was excited to say the least!  And I'm REALLY going to implement all the things the told me.  We talked about saving and life and being happy and letting go of things and just EVERYTHING.  So she is now known as my BFF Leesa.  Oh yea Leesa was a 45yo beige woman who looked amazing!  I mention her race only because well...we all know that beige people don't age well but she looked great!  We talked about working out and everything too! lol.  I'm glad I didn't go to sleep on that plane because I now have a list of books that are soon to be read and a savings plan and great outlook on life.  I'm excited because one of the things I would like to do in my lifetime is save up an inheritance so that when I'm gone I can leave my family with both money and property.  I think that we as Blacks in America don't do this enough if at all.  And I'm not talking about just a few hundred here and there I mean I want to leave a REAL inheritance to my grandchildren.

So yea that's my story of how two random people have really blessed me recently and I thank God for 'em. :)  Be kind to people because truthfully God will use anybody to talk to you.

God certainly has a sense of humor :)

I actually have two posts to write today but I think I'll write just this one because by the time I'm done I'm almost certain that I won't remember what I was going to write for the second post.  You're right...I could simply jot down right now what I'm going to blog about but that's just not how I roll :)

So for the last couple of days I have been stressed to the MAX trying to find a place to live in Nashville AND a roommate all in basically 10days!  LONNGGG story...actually I think that's what I was going to blog about!  Anywho so yea I've been searching and searching...to no avail.  So today I'm at work and I thought to myself "I've been doing all of this and putting all my faith in myself to get things done and not once did I stop to ask God".  Now I had certainly thanked Him and praised Him for grad school and everything especially when I thought I had my living situation squared away.  But when things went haywire I panicked and began stressing and searching...exhausting myself to say the least.   So yea I'm at work at my desk unfortunately doing absolutely NOTHING work related but instead searching and stressing over my living situation.  So I bow my head in prayer and I PROMISE you as SOON as I said AMEN my phone goes off with someone looking for a roommate.  I couldn't do anything but laugh at myself for taking so long to even ask.  He's NEVER let me down and I couldn't believe that I hadn't made Him my first option after all.  So yea  even now I'll admit I'm still slightly freaking out but truthfully I'm kinda over it...I know that God's got it...I've done my part and I'll continue looking a little but I know that things will work themselves out...so I'm GOOD :) and so is God.

Onto how God got his second laugh off of me today.  So I came home from work EXHAUSTED today...partly probably because I haven't been eating the most square of meals as of late and I also haven't been taking my vitamins.  So yea I take a nap and then I get up thinking of all the things I needed to do before bed tonight...most of which consisted of readings.  So I roll over and feel for my glasses in the usual spot that I toss them when I nap and you guessed it....they're no where to be found.  I searched HIGH and LOW for those glasses for an HOUR.  I mean I'm looking under the bed thinking Dino (my dog) may have taken them to his hiding spot...I've looked in the bathroom, in the window sill, on the desk, in the laundry basket...yea...random places I lay them at times...don't judge me lol.  So I then send out a tweet talking about how it's gonna be a long night since I can't find my glasses and then I REMEMBERED (you like how that's in reference to an earlier post I wrote huh?..yea...go check it out! lol)  what He did earlier so once again I bowed my head in prayer.  I go upstairs to get my iPod to charge and you guessed it...I found my glasses! LOL.  I literally "lol'd" at myself.  I'm not going to tell you where they were as it is embarrassing...how they were in the most common of places.  So I was thinking to myself He probably sits up there laughing at me looking in all these weird places shaking His head saying "All you had to do was ASK".

So there you have it people...that's my simple post today but it speaks volumes.  This not only works for housing and glasses but in LIFE.  Sometimes all we have to do is ASK Him.  It's easy to say that we have faith but when storms come or stress comes our way we tend to put our faith in ourselves or our own resources but I ask you today to begin to ask Him and watch Him move!  Be blessed and don't stress love buckets!

-Jess