Getting my life back together

Oh, hey.  So for the last few years I've been all over the place.  I mean that physically, mentally, spiritually, the whole shabang.  In an effort to recenter myself and quiet down to listen to my spirit, follow my heart, and chase my dreams I've decided to slow down, step back, and unplug.  I'm still in the PhD program at Meharry.  I will PRAYERFULLY defend my thesis work by August 2017.  These days, nothing is guaranteed but I'm going to really work hard and fight for this one.  School and life in the world has given me SO much anxiety, stress, depression, and health issues that I'm just over it.  I had to be honest with myself and admit that I honestly don't like research anymore.  Yikes.  I know that sounds ABSOLUTELY absurd from someone getting a PhD in Biomedical Research with a concentration in Microbiology & Immunology.  Anywho, I've felt SO much liberation in just admitting that to myself.  A large part of completing this degree at this point in my life is really unpacking what my priorities are in life and what I envision my next move to be if it's not academia or working at someone's research bench.  The world is my oyster.  This is exciting and scary all at the same time.  Anyway, this post isn't about school.  It's about getting my life- the whole thing.  I decided I want to document this whole journey.  I have no idea where it will take me or what I'm doing but I really feel it deep down in my soul that I'm going to do something meaningful and impactful in the world- heck I've already been doing that but still.  Writing helps me to be accountable to myself.  Okay mostly it helps me to sort out my thoughts and stuff- give me clarity and also a sense of release.

Anywho, just wanted y'all to know that I'm alive.  One day I'll catch you up on all the things-ok no I won't...dis tew much.  I think I'll just keep moving forward and just include reflective pieces that give context by telling past stories.  So to kick things off I deleted facebook.  I've also taken a step back from both school and the social justice scene. I've been doing the most- the absolute most.  I'm taking a step back from organizing because I need to graduate.  I'm taking a step back from school because I hate it and my capacity is low right now so I'm literally doing the MINIMUM to graduate...done doing extra things to fluff a resume or CV for a field that I don't want to work in.  I've never participated in Lent.  I don't think I ever fully understood it really and how it was any different from a fast.  Especially since most people picked whatever thing they let go for 40days back up at the end of it.  One of my Spelman sisters shared this post :

It helped me to better understand Lent.  I'm not participating at the moment because I'm all over the place just trying to keep my head on and realized I'm late anyway.  BUT, I did purchase a 40day devotional called 40day Journey with Howard Thurman.  I'm only on day 4 so far.  It's sometimes a struggle to remember to do it each morning but I'm off to a good start.  It also asks that you journal each day on the journey.  I'm going to hold to that during Lent and include my journal entries here for 40days.  In addition to the devotional, I'm finally going to make an appointment with a therapist/counselor/whatever you call it.  I think it would help me to transition to this next phase of my life and not be overwhelmed.  I need to be more kind to myself and my body.  Running myself to the point of exhaustion isn't cool or healthy.  I'm learning to rest.  I've just picked up unhealthy habits in grad school that I can't WAIT to get rid of.  Anyway friends, take care of yourselves.  Unplug if you need to and rest.  Protect your spirit and your mind.  Be mindful of the things you allow into your life.  That's not to say be an ostrich with its head stuck in the sand ignoring the world around you but balance is key.  Balance often times looks like a swinging pendulum instead of a balanced scale and that's ok.  OK it's 8:45PM and I'm actually going to leave lab at a somewhat decent hour tonight so let me go before this timer goes off.  Until we meet again! ok no...until I write my journal entry for my devotional...which should technically be tonight when I get home since I didn't do it this morning ahhhhhh :/

-Jess

WeDidThat: The Tony Awards

So last night was the first time I've ever watched the Tony Awards...all the way through for the most part at that.  And let me tell you I got my WHOLE life at seeing all the people of color being nominated in almost all of the categories and actually WINNING!!!  Unfortunately, for the whole day today I can't stop singing.  I feel like all responses and conversations should be sung because yes. Broadway bih.   Also, Daveed Diggs from Hamilton is my boyfriend, we just made it official last night, even though we've never met.  (Me and Chance The Rapper is still going steady though) And I LOVE LOVE LOVE Cynthia Eviro.  I fell down the YouTube wormhole of watching musical clips and wanted to share this clip of her singing Color Purple from the revived Broadway show.  If they ever travel to Nashville or whatever city I'm currently in, I'm dishing out ALL my coins to see Hamilton and Color Purple and Shuffle.  That or if I make it to NY while its still there they will get all my coins.  Anyway, watch this and let it bless your soul :)

Oh and Lin-Manuel Miranda's acceptance speech referring to the Orlando Pulse Massacre was beautiful.  I don't yet have the words to express how I feel about the Orlando shooting so I'm not going to write about it here but when the right words find me I'll post about it.  If they ever do.  I was heartbroken when I first heard about it.  Sitting in the lab working on a Sunday I felt sick to my stomach and fought back the overwhelming urge to both vomit and cry at the same time.  I immediately thought about my queer and trans friends.  There is NO place that's safe for them, NO place.  What kind of evil society do we live in where NO place is safe for certain people.  I've been more vehemently praying for their safety ever since Orlando.  Lifting up the families, friends, and loved ones of those whose lives were lost to such hate.  It's moments like this where I question whether the work that people are doing to change the world and advocate is working.  But I know that it is from the small victories to the huge ones.  Moments like this make me question a lot of things though.

Anywho yall have a great Monday!!!

Felt like writing because WTF...LIFE (5/2015)

So this is actually an old entry that was never published.  I found it here sitting in drafts.  While I don't still carry these sentiments about "the ex"  and to a degree about school, I like what I wrote at the time and its always beautiful to see changes/healing over time, even when you see the ugly spaces that you were in.  My heart is currently in a beautiful space and I guess since last summer I got all the closure I needed because I'm good.  I only recently got over hating school..like within the last 2 months recent.

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May xx, 2015

What do you do when your life seems to be at a crossroad?  A literal standstill and all comes crashing down?  Chasing after sinking ships only to make it back to shore and realize I'm on the wrong fucking island anyway.  (Refer to sinking ships entry).  I've decided that this here PhD program in Biomedical Science just isn't for me.  It's not that it's hard by any means.  My heart just isn't in it anymore.  At first I thought it was but my experiences actually turned me more and more away from it to the point where I seriously had to reevaluate why I chose this program in particular to begin with.  After a lot of prayer and soul searching I realized that life is too short to do something you hate and invest so much time into missing out on life as it passes you by.  I've seriously been considering the legacy I'd like to leave behind in the world and how I want to give back and help people, particularly black people and I don't see me using this PhD to do so.  I started looking into programs that better suit what I'd like to do.  None of this eases my anxiety and hatred towards school so it's really hard to push through that.  I can honestly say that I've survived the last 6mos of graduate school by God's grace and mercy.  While I've completed all of my classes and maintained a 4.0 GPA, I haven't actually put forth much effort towards school in the slightest.  Most of my energy is spent trying to psyche myself up enough to get out of bed and walk into the building.  All of my remaining energy is put towards actually trying to do some work while there and most days I feel like I can't breathe.  I usually take breaks outside when I can't take it anymore and feel like crying.  Not quite sure why I keep torturing myself by showing up everyday and "pushing throug it".  There's a lot more I could write about this but I won't because I'm tired of thinking about it.  **Updated to say that about a month after this I took a three week leave of absence from school to get it together.  The first two weeks were dedicated to trying to get out of bed and get my day started.  Went to counseling once or twice and that wasn't helpful so I stopped.  My mentor was very supportive during the process and was at first the only reason I decided to come back.  I came back taking it one day at a time.  Still here so that's a thing.  My break away for a week in May 2016 (a year later) helped me put things into perspective and so now I'm back to enjoying my time in the lab.  Not exactly like an amusement park every day but by no means is it where it used to be.**

In other news, love came back (see tear soaked pillows entry).  I need to get my entire fucking life in order because this shit just can't be it.  I still think it's crazy how that whole situation even happened.  Either God has a sense of humor or (S)He's playing a cruel cruel joke on me.  During this last year or two of my life I always pray the prayer about God removing people from my life that aren't supposed to be there.  Pray for God to protect me from people who are not in his will to be in my life and are not of him.   I kept praying this prayer about love too yet he was ALWAYS on my mind no matter how hard I tried to shake him.  So one day I'm home and my phone kept freezing so I'm tapping the screen to unfreeze it. All of a sudden it unfreezes and goes through a million motions at the speed of light but I noticed love's face fly across my screen and Facebook.  I thought that was weird but didn't think any more of it.  A few days later I get an alert that love accepted my friend request 😳. I was SO confused.  I didn't send any type of request, wth.  I didn't want to unfriend thinking that would probably raise eyebrows so I left it alone thinking he'd forget about it.  Around New Year's Day I get a FB msg with an apology in it that I didn't know I needed until I received it.  After that followed a "closure dinner" and follow up hangouts and all types of confusing things.  Never really took the time and space to process what all of this meant.  Feelings that I thought were gone came back out of nowhere and I was angry at myself for feeling that way.  Not sure how you can still love someone after they treat you some type of way and leave.  Perhaps by the time I get to the end of this it'll all make sense.  I feel like crying and I'm not sure why.  I'm feeling stupid.  Like I can't trust my discernment.  You came back.  I have no idea how or why but now you're here.  In this space that was once wholly occupied by you and was since filled with so much hurt and sadness.  I built walls that would put Fort Knox to shame to keep people like you out and far away from me.  Prayed prayers of protection in the same way.  And yet you're here.  Not the same you, slightly different.  Upgraded even.  Still a stranger to me and yet so familiar.  Can't figure out who you are.  Don't think I'm supposed to at this point but my mind can't stop racing.  I want to know who you are, what you want from me, and why you're here.  In this space.  Taking up so much space. You being around hurts.  When I realize how deeply I was hurt and how many walls I've put up it makes my soul cringe.  Trying to take them down one by one.  A task I shouldn't be charged with doing alone and yet here the fuck I am.  There are so many walls I don't know where to start.  Some are just so heavy.  Also asking the same questions of myself.  What am I doing here, what do I want from you, and why.  I'm always on the verge of passing out from holding my breath waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I'm SO scared that you'll hurt me.  Intentionally, unintentionally, doesn't really matter.  There are no guarantees, no promises, no efforts.  Hanging on to words.  Perhaps haphazardly spoken.  Opening myself up for I have no idea what.  I hate you for how you left me.  I hate that you hurt me.  I hate that I still love you.  I hate that you take up so much space.  I feel unguarded, unprotected.  Stop taking up so much ghat damb space. I winded up asking love to stay away from me.  Still questioning whether that was the right thing to do because my mind and my heart are saying two different things.  Following my heart didn't work the first time around so I chose to follow my mind.  Perhaps truth lies somewhere between the two.  I seem to choose wrong when it comes to love.  Or maybe the wrong love seems to find me.  Maybe I made the decision because I have WAY too much going on in my life and trying to figure out that whole situation on top of school and my life was killing me.  maybe I made the right decision and it just sucks because I actually do still love him, maybe..or not.  Shit, I don't know...I'm just trying to breathe.  

Catching Up With Life...My trip to the West Coast

I haven't posted an entry in forever.  While I should certainly be working on creating a Scientific poster for Boston next week I'm just not feeling it so I decided to write.  I'm going to do better at this and try to post at least 2 posts a week from here on out.  For a while things have been moving so fast and I've just been evolving so fast and yet slow at the same time over the last year.  I recently decided to take a step back from everything, from life.  Stepping back to recenter Jessica.  I've been involved in SO many things that I, to a degree, lost myself and being intentional about taking time for myself.  My days were long, great, fun, stressful, exhausting, draining, all the things.  Started with a long day in lab, go home for 5min to let my dog out, then back out for a series of meetings or events or panels and back home late at night around 10 to try and do to work to prepare for the next days events...this was EV-UH-REE day.  So as you can imagine, there's no downtime, there's no rest time.  I'm on, at all times.  I'll save that for another entry.  Anywho, today is about me and feeling good.

The last year has been so HEAVY on my spirit and I was literally running on E for SO long.  The whimsical free spirit (and broke grad student) that I am, I up and bought a flight to California for a week- by myself.  No plans or anything, never been to Cali and figured why not.  I've fancied the idea of solo travel to other countries for some time now but my family and close friends aren't so supportive of the idea- they won't let me be great.  I figured Cali was a compromise.  In 7 days, I was in 6 cities: Nashville, Atlanta, Sacramento, San Francisco, Sausalito, and Seattle.  I'll have to share some pics of my adventures!  I currently reside in Nashville.  My flight was from Atlanta so I caught the bus to Atlanta and stayed overnight.  I was so out of it I didn't realize my flight left the next day and not the day I was scheduled to travel to ATL but whatevs.  Got to Atlanta and stayed with one of my close friends from Undergrad.  Caught up on Game of Thrones, because I'm sophisticated, and went to sleep.  Woke up the next morning and went to visit my alma mater, Spelman College, to reup on some gear.  My gear was so old its not funny.  Let me preface this entry with the fact that I was out here spending all my coins with no care in the world.  I was on the YOLO tip and said I'd figure the rest of the month out later.  So I spent my first $100 in the Spelman bookstore but got some goodies!  Next up I hit up my Spelman sis and had lunch with her.  She's also in a PhD program down in Atlanta.  Lunch with her was everything I needed in that moment.  Until you've matriculated through a PhD program and on TOP of that had to transition into a new lab when you're halfway through, you'll never understand the level of stress, anxiety, and depression that grad school can have on your life.  Lunch with her was on some black femme healing type thing.  Just seeing her smile and catching up and sharing stories was good to my soul.  Also helped me to see that I need to do better at keeping in touch with friends.  School has made me lose sight of that over the years.  Had to apologize to myself about that because I was beating myself up about it and feeling guilty which kind of paralyzed me in this cycle of shame and fear so that I wouldn't reach out because I felt like I was not a good friend.

Next up was my trip to Cali.  Got to Sacramento around midnight and slept until the next day.  Once I landed in Sacramento, I realized just how TIRED I was.  I was in no hurry to do anything but sleep and rest.  Stayed with my aunt the first day and when she asked if I wanted to do anything my honest answer was no.  I just wanted to spend time with her.  My values were just all falling into place.  So while we didn't do much other than go out for breakfast and sit on the porch and watch her favorite daytime TV shows, it felt good to spend time with my mom's sister.  That night she dropped me off to downtown Old Sacramento where I checked into my lovely hotel.  Decided to hit the Old Sacramento strip and treat myself to frozen yogurt and visit all the nice shops along the strip.  My Day 1 consisted of healing space with my aunt and exploring Old Sacramento.

Day 2 - woke up and treated myself to a hotel fancy breakfast.  Then went to get my nails done.  My bus to San Fran didn't leave til the afternoon so I had time to kill.  Went walking around downtown (I love visiting cities by foot, something about it that's just so much more intimate than driving around).  Of course I ran into a rally/protest and participated.  Even when on vacay I'm still down for the cause.  After that I was on my way to San Fran.  Missed my first bus because of damn uber but caught a later bus.  Got to San Fran that evening, checked into my hotel and relaxed.  Hit up San Fran by foot...what a GORGEOUS city.  Went to eat oysters at this beautiful little french soul spot.  That and strawberry lager.  Then went to look at classical vintage cars and see Jungle Book in IMAX 3D..that was an accidental purchase (was wondering why my ticket was so darn expensive).  Headed back to my hotel after that because I was tired and slept like a baby.  The great thing about traveling solo is that you literally do whatever the eff you want.  You can sleep in or not. Eat where you want, when you want..it feels so FREE.  Especially for someone like me whose days are so structured and packed with things that I just always have to be at.

Day 3-7- Woke up, breakfast, city by foot, went on a biking trip across the golden gate bridge into Sausalito, CA.  B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L!  The hills are no joke so if you try to bike all day like I did, brace yourself.  Got some gelato in Sausalito and visited the little shops in the town.  Caught a boat back to San Fran because a nnija was NOT about to bike back.  Sailed by alcatraz and took in the beautiful views of the bay, sight seeing of Alcatraz, and healing powers of being out in the water.  Went to visit Haight St. (keep Haight street weird!) afterwards and decided to get my septum pierced because you do what you want when you popping.  Damn near fainted afterwards so went to get ice cream and sit in the parlor until I could get my life together.  Hopped in an uber carpool back to my hotel and met a cool ass white boy who was into making film.  Gave him my FB info because apparently he was writing a script that has some science in it and he doesn't want it to be all fake or whatever.  Cool.  I'm pretty sure when I finally friended him on FB and he saw all my posts about all things BlackPeople related he wondered what he got himself into but whatever, we're still friends on there so it didn't scare him away..which is dope.  I've also deactivated my FB, so there's that.  Decided it was just too much stimulation for me on all fronts.  I'm also an empath so there's that too.  Anywayyyyyy.  Grabbed some fish tacos and headed back to Sacramento.  For a few days I hung out with old friends who graduated from Meharry and my family.  Ate all kinds of food and hung out at UC Davis for a Black Lives Matter event.  I thought I'd want to go out and do all the things in Sacramento but I had the most fun hanging with my cousin's 7yr old son and 2yr old daughter.  I passed on all the things and went to their Spring Fling at the elementary school.  We bonded over food and games and talking about life according to a 7yr old.  He's the coolest 7yr old I know.  That kid has my heart and doesn't even know it.  Kids are awesome and brilliant and so loving.  For my last day in Sacramento, I hung out with my aunt and cousins.  My cousin is one of those fitness freaks but in a good way.  I promised him I'd go to his training camp so bright and early Sunday I went.  I survived surprisingly.  Went out for brunch afterwards and needed to take a nap to get my life together because the food knocked me out for the count.  Watched Game of Thrones because vacation won't stop a G from watching my show.

Day 8- flew out to seattle.  Was there for under 24h and I got to hit up the Space Needle, Pike Place Market, and Mt. Ranier.  Seattle is such a beautiful city.  Not as diverse as Cali in terms of people ethnicities but still great.  Had some fresh crab from the fish market at Pike Place and sat in the park to eat it while overlooking the bay.  There's nothing like feeling free.  I should mention that I'm a vegetarian and not a pescatarian.  Also, I reject labels now so I eat what I want.  I don't eat fish in Tennessee because I don't trust it but since I was in a coastal area I figure I can trust the fish there.  So the next part of this trip was the highlight.  As the time neared for my Seattle departure I decided to visit the local marijuana dispensary because its legalllll in Seattle *insert smiley face with all the teeth showing*.  Now this is great and also not good considering what happened next. I get in the shop and go ham on edibles.  Cookies and truffles oh my.  The sales associate then bids me adieu by saying "have a great day getting high!".  I leave with a smile on my face until I look at the clock.  I've got about 1.5hr until my flight leaves ahhhh.  So I catch an uber to hop on the train to the airport.  It's in the uber that I realize I can't fly back with all this shit because laws.  I decide to eat all the edibles.  All. the. damb. edibles.  I feel just fine.  Notice the packaging says effects will kick in almost 2hr after ingestion.  I make it on my flight and yall I am SO DAMB HIGH its ridiculous.  This was the best cross country flight I've ever been on in my life.  On top of that because there were tornadoes in tornado alley my flight kept switching routes mid air.  After all the high giggles from making out shapes in the clouds subsided,  the pilot decides to swoop around to see the top of Mt. Ranier because yes.  I've never seen something so majestic in my life.  The mountain literally pierced through the clouds.  We were up high to where the only thing one can see from these heights are clouds and in the middle of it is this giant mountain...above the clouds.  I felt like this flight was the most intimate moment that me and God have ever had together.  I was also high but that doesn't detract from the intimacy of God.  Yall, I got my whole life on that flight.  Like, I was almost moved to tears by this mountain.  I've always been one to see God in nature so I love outdoor shit because I see God in everything, in all things, everywhere...but in nature undisturbed...breathless.  I won't even go into detail about how I blessed my future children and descendants up in the clouds above the mountains but it was beautiful.  Being up so high and seeing somthing so big also gave me perspective.  Realized how small and insignificant things back on the ground were.  How evil people can be in the systems and institutions that we create but up so high, none of that exists. I found faith again on that flight.  Had a worship session right there in my window seat just communing with God.  Then I realized what Bob Marley and them meant about being high.  I was high for a couple of hours.  Enjoyed reading Angela Davis' book "Freedom is a Constant Struggle" and Octavia's Brood ( a book of afro-futurism short stories birthed from Octavia Butler's work).  Both were amazing.  Still not done reading them but I need time to chew on them.  So yea, I spent all my coins escaping the world for a bit of healing and wholeness and space and time and family and fun.  And it was so worth it.

A month later and I still feel like I just got back from Cali.  I don't dread coming in to lab everyday.  I actually sleep at night.  My soul is smiling.  I feel so carefree and it feels good.  Not that I'm just ignoring things that once weighed me down but that although things hit me, they don't latch on so that I carry them everywhere all the time.  While they are with me, they don't slowly kill me a little each day.  Talking with God and unplugging from social media has helped with that a lot too.  While its GREAT and certainly serves a purpose, I'm not sure that humanity was designed to have so much traumatic stimulation from so many things via social media constantly.  So today I'm back in lab.  Still on a high.  Figuring out this thing called life and loving people in all the ways.  Thinking a lot lately about this "organizing" or "activism" work that I've been doing the last 2 years.  I honestly HATE those labels and don't consider myself to be either of those things but for lack of better terms and because that's what most people define it as, I'll use it.  I do the work that I do, whatever that is, because I love people, MY people, and I'm passionate about it because I love and I care.  I hope that never stops.  I hope to always always always love and support the least of us and the most marginalized.  I hope to always be learning and growing and stretched by the world and the people around me. We're not free until we're ALL free.  So we live to fight another day, realizing - even in the context of my own life- that I'm also very privileged.  This journey has been everything.   It's been beautiful and ugly and scary and challenging and sad and hurtful and empowering and healing and all the things.  Grateful for the evolution of myself that has resulted from the movement that we're in and all the people in it.  Grateful for all things.  Until next time folks!

Ashe

-Jess

Also, yall know I just free-write these things so eff yo spellcheck and shit.  There are probably grammatical errors and typos all up and through this thing but ah well.  I'm still great though.

To life: I found Her in tear soaked pillows

Took me a while to finally put a voice to this.  It's been almost 2 years since I had a miscarriage.  It was a really trying time for me to say the least. Compounding the miscarraige was school falling apart and a relationship gone haywire so I was just a mess to no matter how you sliced it.  I felt like my world was imploding on itself.  Took me a while to find myself afterwards but all things work together.  Anywho, I wanted to share this.  I randomly wrote it (freewriting as usual) as a note to myself on my phone one night.


Tear soaked pillows.  Another day without you, but not really.  Your smell lingers in my bed.  I can taste you.  I could still feel you and sense you, your thoughts, your emotions.  I thought I was crying about losing you.  I opened up the deepest parts of me for you.  Fully exposed.  I let you in where our souls became one and as a result created life.  Love was an understatement.  I entered into the deepest parts of you.  Closely nestled behind your heart and intertwined in the intricacies of your mind.  You were home for me.  As the life inside me grows, a dormant part of me awakens.  I love both you and life in parallel yet synergistically synchronized.  So deeply it scares me.  I'm unworthy of such a perfect gift, far beyond a blessing.  Makes me question if I'm ready and doubt creeps in.  Now unsure of myself because of the crippling fear that I won't be enough.  Reaching for you to help me steady myself and it's just me.  Where was love.  Life-lost.  Where was the promise.  A large part of me died with life.  Hopes and dreams and heart shattered.  A broken soul.  I'm reaching.  This wasn't real. You weren't real.  Reaching for the me tucked behind your heart and in your mind.  Trying to find home.  Broken and shattered I'm trying to find her.  Between tear soaked pillows, screams, and nightmares I gasp for you.  You step back and fade into the distance.  Chasing a ghost who stole a part of me.  I cry for her.  Now left with a piece of me that I don't know, what's left of me that wasn't lost.  A stranger to myself.  Life and love stole me.  Struggling to find parts of me that I buried as treasures inside of others.  Now questioning myself.  How could I not see this coming.  I no longer trust my faithful sense of discernment.  An oxymoron in itself.  Then kicks in the blaming of myself.  I can't trust myself, not with love and not with life.  My most prized treasures were buried in life and love.  Had to find the treasure that Someone Else buried in me.  I found her in tear soaked pillows, between screams and nightmares.  While gasping between screams and sobs I found Air.  In small breaths at first progressing into inspirations and then deep soul filled gasps.  In utter despair, I found Her.  A queen, more regal than any version of myself I buried in anyone else.  She couldn't be buried.  She is light.  She was never made to be buried or hidden.  This is me.  I had to lose pieces of me in life and in love to find her.  I sometimes mourn for the me lost in life and love.  But I rejoice in light.  She illuminates the darkest of places so that my path is always made clear.  She lights the darkness of my past to remind me of the coals that were shaped in tear soaked pillows to make her eternally shining diamonds. A never ending internal treasure hunt discovering pieces of myself along the way.  I add to her light.  I won't take her away from Air, from You.  She is Yours.  A gift to me.  I guard her and protect her inside the sanctity of this temple made of my body. Because the next time life and love come along her light will become fire.  Incinerating all impurities.  The water and the earth from life and love create a perfect balance, a work of art designed by the Artist before her was buried in the making of me.  No more buried treasures.  They create a canvas for all to marvel, splendor and majesty.  The eye of the Beholder weeps at the beauty of this piece.  Coal turned to diamond.  I see all the colors in her.  I breath her.  She is light.  And she is whole.  Stop reaching.  Everything my queen, is inside.  God showed me myself between tear soaked pillows, screams, and nightmares.  Daily she amazes me.  I follow her blindly because she trusts God fully.  She was always there.  I had to lose myself in life and love so that in the solitude of tears and brokenness God could show me who I was all along.  I am her.  To Life, thank you for helping mommy find me.

What Ferguson,MO and #MikeBrown meant for me...

Writing.  Don't know where to start.  In 7th grade an English teacher of mine taught me the art of free writing.  To write without stopping, without thinking, raw unedited thoughts, thanks Ms. Monica Headen.  This is what this is:


  My heart aches.  What I've seen I wish I could unsee.  I wish I could unhear it and unfeel what I feel.  A righteous rage.  To cry out.  War.  All kept inside, bottled up.  A safe space.  Set free.  You look like me.  I hear you.  I see you.  I feel you.  Namaste.  The God in me sees the God in you.  A crying child, a generation abandoned.  The nation turns it's back on US, accompanied by the world.  Tears welling up. Chest hurts.  Throat closes up. Experiments to do.  Suck it up.  Talk to who.  Racism who?  It doesn't exist.  But I live it.  This is my life.  But it doesn't exist.  I should be writing a proposal.  Presentation tomorrow.  Images burned into my mind.  I can't erase them.  My screen has words on it and all I see are the faces of my people crying out.  Flashbacks.  Post traumatic stress disorder.  Sleepless, hungry, tired of being sick and tired.  I am the hope and the dream of the slave.  I am the hope and the dream of the slave.  I am the HOPE and the DREAM of the slave.  I am the hope and the dream of those in the streets.  I am the hope and the dream of those on the front line being shot at and spit on and attacked by dogs, ridiculed for the world to see.  Yet I'm here.  While they are there.  Disconnect.  Distance and circumstances all crumble in the face of this beast and we are all the same.  Marching together in this rain.  Fists Up.  Always up.  Holding hands in prayer.  A strangers bond.  Listening with eyes and ears wide open.  I love you, man.  I LOVE you.  He's my brother, she's my sister.  None of this matters outside the microcosm because it doesn't exist.  Anger wells up and no outlet.  Helplessness.  Holiness.  Praying.  Watching the world go on as if nothing happened.  A people protesting, unheard, forgotten.  Makes for good news coverage, shock value.  Other countries take it as their opportunity to throw dirt back at the U.S. but they don't REALLY care about us.

The rebellion has started.  The revolution will not be televised.  It's never been televised.  It's in the heart.  The heart of those who are called.  Called to love their sister and brother.  Called to stand up for justice.   We're marching, it's hot, it's raining, it's POURING.  Looking around and it's just us.  It's just us.  It's just us.  Just US.  No one will save us.  No one but us.  A deaf ear, a blind eye, many keep going.  The good samaritan story played out in real life.  A slain warrior in the middle of the street.  Body left for public display.  Billie Holiday's strange fruit.  True defnition of song cry.  Many keep going,
some stop for publicity and keep going, some seem to help but motives twisted, only want their name and face to be seen-fame, and they keep going.  Someone has to stop.  Someone must stop.  If it isn't you then who?  If it's not now then when?  The blood still sits in the street.  The spirits of those slain evaporating in the muggy and hot heat.  Like a public lynching.  This is a public lynching.  Remixed for 2014.

In a safe space we discuss our feelings.  Looking around at a sea of kings and queens who look like me.  Geniuses and angels.  Crying out for our fallen soldiers.  Crying out for our hurting.  Sick and tired of being sick and tired.  Anger.  A rebellion is born.  Welcome to the revolution, I say.  Welcome.  From the elders of the civil rights movement, from our ancestors of the African Diaspora and slavery, welcome.  Rise up and claim your rightful place.  This will not be easy or fast.  But be brave.  Be well.  When it gets physically sickening take a step back and be well.  Love each other.  Support each other.  Live.  I'm working on being well.

Father wasn't there.  Mother wasn't there.  But I had a grandfather.  A militant Black grandfather.  A love I've never known.  Imparting his stories and history at a young age.  Long winded.  Didn't want to hear it but the seeds were planted.  A little girl from the hood, kicking it at the salvation army with all the other hood kids.  Hey Grandaddy, let me tell you about Ferguson.  "I am PROUD of you".  This is the proudest I've EVER been.  To know that you care about something and someone other than and more than yourself is what this life is.  This is what I fought for.  Not for me but for you.  For your generation.  And now you must fight for those who come after you.  The generation before you has failed you but you have to pick it up.  The ones behind you need you.  You are charged with carrying the torch that burns inside of you.  A fire lit by God.  Don't ignore it.  This little light of mine, I'm going to let it shine.  

 “You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. 15 Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. 16 In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven." Matthew 5:14-16

Faith steps in.  This is what my faith is.  My faith charges me to stand.  What is it to believe and never exemplify.  I stand and sing and pray and pay tithes (sometimes..I'm honest) but I'm silent when my brother is murdered.  I'm silent when my children cry out.  I'm silent when I pass by those living in poverty who look like me and aren't alotted the same opportunities.  A shake of the head but it's become "normal".  Kids back home dropping dead like flies.  Kid shoots hiimself in the back of a cop car, while handcuffed.  Drive-bys that never get solved.  Princesses shooting for bad bitch status.  Princes getting money.  I'm silent and I keep going to church...my personal development and my tunnel vision relationship with God is growing.  I can speak in tongue and pray a prayer to light your soul on fire.  Heal myself by faith and those in my circle.  Lately been feeling conflicted about what this all means.  What is this church if it stays in these walls.  We all practice self development under the disguise of God.  I'm good on that.  I'll just do my own thing.  Living a life of love, lost but slowly being found in the wilderness of my heart and mind and spirit.  But I was blindsided in Ferguson and the tunnel was shattered.  A veil is lifted.  This is what love is.  This is what faith is.  It is radical.  It is revelation.  This is God.  To have a heart that feels and senses those around you.  To put someone's life before your own.  To not look away.  To stop and acknowledge.  To turn the tables over in a church like Jesus.  To stand up to Roman empires.  To stop like the good Samaritan.

Now what will we do with our degrees. What will we do with our stethoscopes and our lab coats and scrubs, our law degrees.  We are the hope and the dream of the slave.  This school (Meharry), your school (HBCU especially) is the hope and the dream of the slave.  People literally DIED so that we can sit in the seats that we sit in.  We now hold these seats and we sit on their blood and their sacrifice.  Let us not forget.  Let us be reminded.  This is a wake up call to the sleeping giants.  A wake up call to the warriors.  Yes excel in school, yes become a doctor, a dentist, a scientist, business owner, CEO.  But stand for your brothers and sisters.  The opportunities afforded to you must be made available and accessible to them.  For our brothers and sisters who are gay, lesbian, trans, and women too.  Do not conform to a mold and be afraid to speak out.   Let not your white coat act as an invisibility cloak to who you are.   Deep seeded oppression so engraved that we identify it as ourselves.  Be bold.  Be free.  It's just us.  Be free.  Be free and be well.  

And these are my thoughts from Ferguson.

**Shoutout to Carmine Matlock for some of the pics**

Decisions & God's Will for your life...

So after praying about the previous post and all the stress, worry, and fear that went into it, a message at service really spoke to me.  What I realized was that my fear was not necessarily about whether I should abandon ship or hold on or wait, my fear was the DECISION.  My fear was based on the fact that I didn't know which decision would put me in or out of God's will for my life.  I was afraid of making the wrong decision.
When believers think about the will of God, it becomes this secret path that is already carved out for us and we spend our whole lives trying to figure out what this path is.  Should I move here or there; should I take job A or job B; should I buy this house or not.  What I learned was based on Matthew 6:
25 “Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing?26 Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? 27 Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?28 “So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; 29 and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 30 Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?31 “Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. 33 But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.What this essentially says is that God's will for our lives is to seek Him.  Behind loving and seeking God is loving people.  Whatever decisions we make in life, whatever path we choose, it can't take us out of His will as long as we do these things.  Because doing these things will always place you in the will of God for your life.  If God takes care of the birds and the flowers are dressed every morning then how much more will He care for us?  I decided to let go of my ship and I have never felt more FREE.  I have absolutely NO idea what I'm doing at this point but the peace that I have truly does surpass all understanding.  I learned to really trust Him.  Everything will work out, this I know.
God's will for our lives is to grow in Christ-likeness.  It's not what we do, but who we BECOME.  And even during the times where we feel like we've made bad decisions and went down the wrong path, those events in our lives have shaped us, molded us, strengthened us, and helped us build character.  I can honestly say that the last 9 months have been life changing for me.  Although the things I've gone through were traumatic for me, I can see that I'm certainly not the same Jessica that I was then.  A part of me that once lied dormant is now awakened.  And a part of that Jessica also died.  I feel more alive than I was before if that makes any sense.  At the same time I'm still grieving/mourning/healing from things I KNOW and I'm CONFIDENT that everything will be ok.  And if you're going through, know that:
 While I was going through a lot of things, I thought maybe "this is all because I am out of His will".  But on the other side of it I saw that everything I've been through is exactly what was in His will for my life.  Had I not gone through some of the things I went through, I would have never been able to share my story with others to offer them hope or to encourage others who were literally on the brink of self destruction.  And you don't go through just for the sake of getting a testimony.  It CHANGES you.  There is healing at the end of all sufferings.  Job was a mighty man of God and even he had to go through.  A lot of what made me hold on while I was going through came from the book of Job.  (that's all for another entry)I try to keep God first in everything that I do in life and to genuinely love people.  I am human and at times I fail at that but I'm grateful for His grace and mercy that carries me and forgives me.  All I want you to get from this is that you don't have to live your life in fear of being out of God's will.  ALL you have to do is seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.  The jobs that you think you want so much, the house, the happiness  the relationship, the children, etc. .....it ALL falls into place.  Don't worry about what tomorrow brings.  Trust Him today.  And tomorrow, do it all over again.  Love God and Love people.  That is His will for your life.  You can carry that out whether you take the job in Denver or stay in Florida.  Whether you marry or not.  Whether you are a heart surgeon or a high school drop out.  There is no price that you can put on the happiness and the fulfillment that comes from Loving God, Loving people, and doing what's right.  Sometimes a job or a relationship will take you away from doing that and you can't be afraid to let it go.  But know that God will NEVER leave you.
 "Too many of us are not living our dreams because we are living our fears" -Les Brown   "Too 3 Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us. (Romans 5:3-5). 2 My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, 3 knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. 4 But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing James 1:2-4

Sinking Ships, Fear, and Trusting God

I blog because it keeps me sane.  Per the usual, this entry is written to myself...my thoughts in writing.  This PhD program has really pushed me to the limit.  Not in the sense of the program being too difficult for me but in terms of figuring out what my purpose in life is.  I've been trying to find that "thing" that motivated me to even decide to pursue a PhD in the first place because I think I've lost sight of that in the midst of all the economical and political bull$h!t that governs what we know to be graduate school.  

While I've certainly experienced my fair share of tribulations while here in Nashville, this one is quite different.  I've never questioned if I was doing the right thing as far as making decisions in my life because I've always felt that God was with me.  Not to say that He isn't with me right now because nothing separates us from Him or His love but I'm seriously being pulled to go in another direction. I'm currently unhappy and things are literally unraveling at the seams.  I'm holding on to a sinking ship because once upon a time this ship was everything to me.  I'm holding on to what the ship once was and not what it is.  At one point, the ship was a distant dream only seen if I stared off into the distance across the ocean and used my imagination.  Over time the ship got closer and I thought "I don't have the credentials to sail on this ship".  But God's favor and grace let me be one in that number on the ship.  Once there, I grew stronger and wiser than I ever thought I could.  And all of a sudden the ship that was once a dream and extravagant and beautiful at a distance became too small.  I began to see the splinters in the ship and the leaks and the crew members stearing the ship who had no sense of direction.  I'm a passenger lost at sea.  These things I wouldn't have been able to see until I got on the ship and until I learned more about and saw more of the ship, spending time with the ship.  The ship wasn't all it was cracked up to be.

Over time, the leaks took a turn for the worst and the cracks that once let in slow drops now let in streams.  I'm drowning but I'm staying with this ship because I remember how it once was; recalling staring at the ship from the shore.  Did I make the wrong decision in getting on this ship?  And now I'm here on a sinking ship.  I can jump ship and take a piece of the ship to help float me back to safety at shore or I can hold on to the ship and go down with it.  What will everyone think of me?  The people who sing my praises because I'm on the ship will sing no more.  I've left so many things behind to catch this ship; would it all have been in vain?  Was getting on the ship worth it?  Jumping ship leaves me in uncharted waters and territories.  Fear of the unknown compels me to stay hoping the ship will stay afloat and yet something is telling me to jump.  That it is OK to let go....

Granted this story is talking about a "ship" but it's the story of my life right now; parables.  In church on Sunday we talked about "Fear of the Unknown".  What my ship story just reminded me of was Jesus asking Peter to walk on water.  Peter's fear of the unknown is what caused him to sink.  When he kept his eyes and his faith on God, he walked but when he began to fear and doubt God's faithfulness, he no longer trusted him in that moment and started to sink.  And even still God didn't let him drown.  The focus is not on how can I fear less, but how do I trust God MORE.  Is my faith bigger than my fear?  If I'm honest with myself, my current situation tells me that my fear is bigger than my faith.  

Fear erases God's faithfulness in your past.  When we become fearful, we forget all that God has ALREADY done for us.  God has certainly kept me as I have held on and let go to many a ship, but they all had a safety boat. Or there was always someone around who could swim who helped me to safety.  The other ships went down where land was visible, familiar land.  I wasn't sure how long it would take me to get my safety boat together or even how to put it together but I knew that it was there and so was the land so I was always confident that I would survive even if death stared me in the face.  My safety boat was MY plan for my life.  It ALWAYS served as a back up plan for me.  If I'm honest about that, the safety boat is probably my first plan and I trust God after my safety plan is in place so that just in case his plan doesn't work I won't drown.  This is the first time where I literally have no safety boat/plan and I'm fearful.  

Fear will establish the limits of your life.  People who are afraid of heights never climb high.  Fear of failure causes us to never try.  Fear of people or of being hurt makes us stay away from relationships.  We settle into careers/jobs and relationships because of fear.  Fear of success is real as well.  We never apply for that scholarship or that raise because of fear.  I don't want fear to dictate whether I jump or stand firm on the ship.  I want my faith to determine that.  In order to do that I need to TRUST God MORE and REMEMBER that He is and always has been faithful.  I won't let my circumstances place fear in my heart and in my mind causing me to forget His faithfulness in my past.  I won't go to God as a backup plan in the event that my own plan for my life doesn't work.  These are active processes that have to be put into practice in my life or else I am like the candle that burns but is hidden, out of fear, never fulfilling it's purpose to be the light it was destined to be.  

 In Exodus 3:9-14 God tells Moses to go NOW to Pharaoh to bring the Israelites out of Egypt. Before this, Moses was estranged from Egypt, a murderer, and had speech problems.  While Moses expressed his reservations of how he thought he was the wrong man for the job, God assured him that he was.  Often times (heck all the time) God's plan for us is so much bigger and greater than we could ever imagine for ourselves.  You have to trust God's prompting over your plans.  Of course this is easier said than done but trusting God is at the center of it all.  I'm not exactly sure of what God is prompting me to do.  The plans I had for myself are going down with the sinking ship but I will say this.  Fear won't get the best of me!  I'm going to stay faithful in this season of the sinking ships (yes that's plural..this is the third sinking ship I've been on in the last couple of months but not the largest sinking ship).  

In my short lived life I've learned that ALL things work together for the good of those that love the Lord.  Everything good and everything bad that has happened in my life happened so that I could be right here at this place in this moment in time.  In this I am confident.  So yes at the moment I'm unsure of things and that brings about a little fear but I won't submit to it.  I acknowledge it and I keep pressing on with my head unbowed.  Life ain't never been no crystal stair (Langston Hughes)

"...I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul" -William Ernest Henley Invictus

Simple yet Powerful

I haven't updated the blog in  while.  My life has literally been in shambles.  I'll have a testimony to share one day but that day isn't today.  I did however want to share something so simple and yet powerful.  I'll just share this story with you.

So this point I'm still going through my ordeal.  My spirit is hurting and my prayer every day is for God to just keep me because I literally couldn't keep myself.  I felt as if my world stopped.  I wasn't eating...or anything for that matter.  I would muster up enough strength to make myself start going back to school everyday only to be on the verge of  breakdown by the end of the day and make it home to curl up in a ball in my bed and stay that way until the next morning.  That was how every day was.  I was just a shell of myself.  I just lost the will to live.  Not in a suicidal way but I was so sad and so hurt by a lot of things that I just experienced and I became angry with God wondering if He left me.
I know that scripture says He'll never leave us nor forsake us.  I kept playing Romans 8:38-39 over and over again in my head: ³⁸ For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,^[a] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, ³⁹ neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.  But what do you do when you really don't feel his presence.  And you really don't think He is hearing your prayers.  I was in prayer and I know scripture says that He will comfort those in mourning and I didn't feel like He was comforting me.  It was just He and I and I had never felt so alone in my life.  I became angry with Him.  
I was invited to visit my classmate's church and arrived early.  She went out the night before and informed me that she wouldn't be able to make the Bible study before service but at this point I thought I need all the Word I can get so I go solo.  I arrive at the church and I wind up joining the group of elderly people (literally everyone was 68+).  We're talking about Jonah and the whale and I'm going in and out of listening because I can't get my mind off how sad I am and how I think I'm just not going to be able to pull myself together to make it out of this one.  All I recall is one of the women saying "He'll never put more on you than you can bear".  As MANY times as I've heard this, that day it finally clicked.  She went on to encourage whoever by saying that literally God has equipped you with everything you need to make it through whatever your situation is.  He will never put anything on you that you can't handle or that would cause you to turn your faith away from Him.  He is made strong in our weakness.  In that moment, I realized that I was going to make it.  I wasn't sure how but I began to pray differently.  It was no longer "God I can't make it through this without you...." it was now "God, I'm hurting, BUT I know that I'll make it through this...please keep me and restore me and heal me.  Teach me your patience while I am going through."  and I began to take comfort in knowing that this wasn't going to kill me.  I would make it through and in my right mind.  I found strength in what that woman said that day and if I could I would go up to her and say "Thank You" although I'm quite sure she would hardly remember that day.
My devotional this morning was talking about finding comfort and encouragement in God (Trusting God daily devotional by Joyce Meyers; I was having a hard time trusting Him during my ordeal so I bought this devotional and boy did it help).  One of the things I failed at while going through was turning to people for comfort and encouragement and I just couldn't find it.  The devotional challenged me to try God FIRST and explained how He would use those around you, even unexpected ones or even things you hear on the radio etc to comfort you and encourage you and minister to you.  I think that in my praying, God put that woman in my group that day with a Word that was just for me.  Even though I had heard that line literally a thousand times, that day it was for me.
Since then, I begin each morning with prayer and devotion.  I know that God is healing me and molding me.  I'm in a much better place now.  I write this to say that whatever it is that you are going through, know that He will never put more on you than you can bare and where we are weak, He is made strong.  He was listening to my prayers, even though it didn't FEEL like He was (that's another story by itself saved for another day).  He never left my side, even when I didn't turn to Him.  He continues to keep me and heal me with each day.  I'm not sure of a lot of things but I know that He's preparing me for greater :)

Just wanted to share that.  Yea there's no fancy ending that's just it lol.  Hope this story made sense and wasn't all over the place and even if it was, hopefully you get what I was trying to convey.  Be blessed people!

-Jess

Loving Like Him

 36“Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?” 37 Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’[c] 38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’[d] Matt 22:37-39

34 “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. 35 By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” John 13:34-35
Last week in church we began a series titled "The Reckless Ones" and essentially it's about challenging us as Christians to love more like Christ.  Statistics show that there is an increasing number of people who identify themselves as atheist or no longer go to church.  One of the major reasons for this is that Christians today don't love as Christ loved.  Religion has complicated what Jesus made simple.  We took the 10 commandments and turned them into hundreds of laws, most of which people can't even seem to agree upon.  Now there are things that Jesus requests of us that aren't included in the 10 commandments but you get the point.  We have so many rules and regulations and we condemn so many people that they can't see the love of God through us, they only see judgement and condemnation. Even Christ himself did not come to condemn us but to save us and because of his grace he declared us righteous, not because of anything we did or anything we changed about ourselves (Refer to "Living a life of thank you" blog entry about god's grace).  

If I speak in the tongues^[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. ² If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. ³ If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,^[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing. 1 Corinthians 13:1-3

This tells us that whatever we SAY, KNOW, BELIEVE, GIVE, AND DO means NOTHING if we don't love.  As Christians today we are educated beyond our obedience.  We bounce from church to church for "deeper" teachings and study and memorize scripture and modify what we eat and what time of day we deem holy and condemn those who sin but still aren't obedient to the most simple request God asked of us which was to love.

⁸ Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. ⁹ Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. ¹⁰ Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms. ¹¹ If anyone speaks, they should do so as one who speaks the very words of God. If anyone serves, they should do so with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen. 1 Peter 4:8-11

 We throw the term "love" around so loosely that it's desensitized...it's lost it's meaning.  "I love your shoes!"  "I love ice cream"  "I love God"  "I love my kids"   One of the things I've noticed is that today our love is conditional. As kids we are only nice to those who are nice to us,  as adults we enter into relationships and as soon as one of the conditions of the relationship is broken we divorce or end friendships.  Some of us have probably lost out on some really great friends over something petty.  Part of loving is learning to forgive without keeping record of wrongs...just as God has forgiven us.  We then go to church and are educated beyond our obedience quoting almost every scripture ever written posting it to our facebook, instagram, and twitter accounts and yet we don't reflect his love in our lives.  We don't associate ourselves with people who don't love just like us or live just like us.  The truth is that we are to learn to love UNconditionally as Christ did.  Jesus dined and hung out with murderers, prostitutes, sinners, etc and he never condemned them he only loved them and through his love and grace they were changed and followed him.  His love covered their sins.  One thing that we mistaken as Christians is that if we associate with these types of people we are somehow condoning what they do and that couldn't be further from the truth.  For one, if we're honest most Christians were probably out participating as a side kick.  You can accept someone and love someone without always approving of what they do.

"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us". Roman 5:8

THE ONLY THING THAT CAN CONVICT SOMEONE AND TRANSFORM THEIR HEART IS THE HOLY SPIRIT.  You shoving scripture at someone, judging, or condemning them is not going to change them.  We are to love them just as Christ loved us while we were and still are out sinning so that just as God's love and mercy has covered and forgiven our sins we can mirror that same love to someone else.  Our love is proof that He even existed to people who don't know Christ.  I have fallen victim of trying to get people to change for God but what I had to realize is that I'm not the holy spirit.  All I can do is love people. tell them how good God is and who He is, and pray for them and treat them right...God will work out their salvation and convict their hearts and even then it's still up to them to work out their own salvation.  Truth be told I'm still working out my own salvation.  No one's perfect...no one.  We're all in this together but we can encourage each other and lift each other up in love.  Loving makes it that much easier for people to be willing to accept Christ and follow Him.  You can still tell people about themselves but in EVERYTHING you do, do it in love.

Ok I'm done.  I feel like this entry is a tad bit all over the place but hopefully you guys at least somewhat get what I'm trying to say.     Most times I just type as things come to mind so ideas may seem sporadic.  Anywho, I'm in the process of learning how to love but I'll most certainly share what I learn along the way.  I'm excited about the next 6 weeks and all that it has in store.  Peep the YouTube video below...I heard this song at church and again on the radio here in Nashville and fell in love with lyrics and couldn't think of a song more fitting for this entry :)

PS - for starters if you want to learn more of what love looks like check out 1 Corinthians 13

Introspection and Empty Promises

     Every time I think I've advanced in my walk with Christ I realize I have SO far to go.  I'm at a point where I'm really examining myself to get my heart and my mind in the right place.  So as of late I've been doing a bit of soul searching and questioning my life.  In church we've been speaking about idolatry and I've come to find that I had a lot of things that I need to work on
     As we began to look at idolatry we looked at things like success, our desire to please others, relationships, approval, our appearance, money etc.  Essentially idolatry is when we look to things to give us what only God can give us.  We always have that desire for more.  I'm guilty of this.  The whole attitude of "when I get this job/promotion/ when I get into school /if this person would just notice me/ when I get married / when I get this money then things will be okay for me...I'll be genuinely happy, my happiness and self worth will be fulfilled.   We get these things only to want for the next thing in line hoping that with these accomplishments comes the promise of love the promise of fulfillment the promise of acceptance...whatever you've promised yourself.
     The truth is that the more that we look to these things the emptier the promises become.  We get that job or that promotion or that guy/girl or we lose the weight and then we just want more because when we obtain it we didn't get the fulfillment that we thought would come with it...it soon after fades.  A good measure of determining what your idols are is to examine your thoughts.  What do you spend most of your time thinking about?  What do you put all of your energy towards?  Is God REALLY first in our lives or are we just lying to ourselves knowing He comes in a close 2nd or 3rd?  As much as I LOVE God the truth is that I'm not putting him first (I would put this in past tense but I'm just being honest with myself...still working on this...in the process of learning about myself).
     My idolatry came in the form of success and vanity/my appearance.  No I'm not addicted to retail or anything but the truth is that I very much so value it...my funds go towards it, my thoughts, my time etc.  It's easier/more comfortable for me...I'm more willing I should say to dedicate these things to my appearance than I am to dedicate the same things to God.  I put more time, energy, thought, and prayer into success and my appearance.  When that continued to give me empty promises I shifted my focus on strengthening my walk with Christ by being celibate, opting to not drink liquor and curse etc.  In doing so I became so focused on "following the rules" that I forgot about Him (if this is you read Galations 3, Paul tells us how the law won't save you but Christ will).  None of these things fulfilled me like only God can.
     Solomon talks about this in Ecclesiastes 1-2.  Solomon had become so RICH and denied himself NOTHING.  Anything you could think of he bought and anything there was to accomplish he accomplished it...yet there was nothing gained under the sun.  He found that wisdom, pleasure, folly, EVERYTHING was meaningless.  ²⁴ A person can do nothing better than to eat and drink and find satisfaction in their own toil. This too, I see, is from the hand of God, ²⁵ for without him, who can eat or find enjoyment? ²⁶ To the person who pleases him, God gives wisdom, knowledge and happiness, but to the sinner he gives the task of gathering and storing up wealth to hand it over to the one who pleases God. This too is meaningless, a chasing after the wind.
     Essentially what Solomon found was that only God could give him the promise of happiness, fulfillment, love, grace.  He could not find it in success, in working, in pleasuring himself, in drinking, in wisdom, in anything....but God.  
     So yea I guess my challenge to you is that you take time to really examine yourself and find out what your idols are.  Perhaps you're so focused on finding a husband, getting a job, how you look....whatever it may be.  I can only tell you from my own experiences but if you don't take my word for it listen to Solomon or anyone else in the Bible for that matter...don't continue on with the empty promises.  Put God first in your life and allow Him to fulfill you.  And I'll close with this:

Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs Jonah 2:8