I haven't posted an entry in forever. While I should certainly be working on creating a Scientific poster for Boston next week I'm just not feeling it so I decided to write. I'm going to do better at this and try to post at least 2 posts a week from here on out. For a while things have been moving so fast and I've just been evolving so fast and yet slow at the same time over the last year. I recently decided to take a step back from everything, from life. Stepping back to recenter Jessica. I've been involved in SO many things that I, to a degree, lost myself and being intentional about taking time for myself. My days were long, great, fun, stressful, exhausting, draining, all the things. Started with a long day in lab, go home for 5min to let my dog out, then back out for a series of meetings or events or panels and back home late at night around 10 to try and do to work to prepare for the next days events...this was EV-UH-REE day. So as you can imagine, there's no downtime, there's no rest time. I'm on, at all times. I'll save that for another entry. Anywho, today is about me and feeling good.
The last year has been so HEAVY on my spirit and I was literally running on E for SO long. The whimsical free spirit (and broke grad student) that I am, I up and bought a flight to California for a week- by myself. No plans or anything, never been to Cali and figured why not. I've fancied the idea of solo travel to other countries for some time now but my family and close friends aren't so supportive of the idea- they won't let me be great. I figured Cali was a compromise. In 7 days, I was in 6 cities: Nashville, Atlanta, Sacramento, San Francisco, Sausalito, and Seattle. I'll have to share some pics of my adventures! I currently reside in Nashville. My flight was from Atlanta so I caught the bus to Atlanta and stayed overnight. I was so out of it I didn't realize my flight left the next day and not the day I was scheduled to travel to ATL but whatevs. Got to Atlanta and stayed with one of my close friends from Undergrad. Caught up on Game of Thrones, because I'm sophisticated, and went to sleep. Woke up the next morning and went to visit my alma mater, Spelman College, to reup on some gear. My gear was so old its not funny. Let me preface this entry with the fact that I was out here spending all my coins with no care in the world. I was on the YOLO tip and said I'd figure the rest of the month out later. So I spent my first $100 in the Spelman bookstore but got some goodies! Next up I hit up my Spelman sis and had lunch with her. She's also in a PhD program down in Atlanta. Lunch with her was everything I needed in that moment. Until you've matriculated through a PhD program and on TOP of that had to transition into a new lab when you're halfway through, you'll never understand the level of stress, anxiety, and depression that grad school can have on your life. Lunch with her was on some black femme healing type thing. Just seeing her smile and catching up and sharing stories was good to my soul. Also helped me to see that I need to do better at keeping in touch with friends. School has made me lose sight of that over the years. Had to apologize to myself about that because I was beating myself up about it and feeling guilty which kind of paralyzed me in this cycle of shame and fear so that I wouldn't reach out because I felt like I was not a good friend.
Next up was my trip to Cali. Got to Sacramento around midnight and slept until the next day. Once I landed in Sacramento, I realized just how TIRED I was. I was in no hurry to do anything but sleep and rest. Stayed with my aunt the first day and when she asked if I wanted to do anything my honest answer was no. I just wanted to spend time with her. My values were just all falling into place. So while we didn't do much other than go out for breakfast and sit on the porch and watch her favorite daytime TV shows, it felt good to spend time with my mom's sister. That night she dropped me off to downtown Old Sacramento where I checked into my lovely hotel. Decided to hit the Old Sacramento strip and treat myself to frozen yogurt and visit all the nice shops along the strip. My Day 1 consisted of healing space with my aunt and exploring Old Sacramento.
Day 2 - woke up and treated myself to a hotel fancy breakfast. Then went to get my nails done. My bus to San Fran didn't leave til the afternoon so I had time to kill. Went walking around downtown (I love visiting cities by foot, something about it that's just so much more intimate than driving around). Of course I ran into a rally/protest and participated. Even when on vacay I'm still down for the cause. After that I was on my way to San Fran. Missed my first bus because of damn uber but caught a later bus. Got to San Fran that evening, checked into my hotel and relaxed. Hit up San Fran by foot...what a GORGEOUS city. Went to eat oysters at this beautiful little french soul spot. That and strawberry lager. Then went to look at classical vintage cars and see Jungle Book in IMAX 3D..that was an accidental purchase (was wondering why my ticket was so darn expensive). Headed back to my hotel after that because I was tired and slept like a baby. The great thing about traveling solo is that you literally do whatever the eff you want. You can sleep in or not. Eat where you want, when you want..it feels so FREE. Especially for someone like me whose days are so structured and packed with things that I just always have to be at.
Day 3-7- Woke up, breakfast, city by foot, went on a biking trip across the golden gate bridge into Sausalito, CA. B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L! The hills are no joke so if you try to bike all day like I did, brace yourself. Got some gelato in Sausalito and visited the little shops in the town. Caught a boat back to San Fran because a nnija was NOT about to bike back. Sailed by alcatraz and took in the beautiful views of the bay, sight seeing of Alcatraz, and healing powers of being out in the water. Went to visit Haight St. (keep Haight street weird!) afterwards and decided to get my septum pierced because you do what you want when you popping. Damn near fainted afterwards so went to get ice cream and sit in the parlor until I could get my life together. Hopped in an uber carpool back to my hotel and met a cool ass white boy who was into making film. Gave him my FB info because apparently he was writing a script that has some science in it and he doesn't want it to be all fake or whatever. Cool. I'm pretty sure when I finally friended him on FB and he saw all my posts about all things BlackPeople related he wondered what he got himself into but whatever, we're still friends on there so it didn't scare him away..which is dope. I've also deactivated my FB, so there's that. Decided it was just too much stimulation for me on all fronts. I'm also an empath so there's that too. Anywayyyyyy. Grabbed some fish tacos and headed back to Sacramento. For a few days I hung out with old friends who graduated from Meharry and my family. Ate all kinds of food and hung out at UC Davis for a Black Lives Matter event. I thought I'd want to go out and do all the things in Sacramento but I had the most fun hanging with my cousin's 7yr old son and 2yr old daughter. I passed on all the things and went to their Spring Fling at the elementary school. We bonded over food and games and talking about life according to a 7yr old. He's the coolest 7yr old I know. That kid has my heart and doesn't even know it. Kids are awesome and brilliant and so loving. For my last day in Sacramento, I hung out with my aunt and cousins. My cousin is one of those fitness freaks but in a good way. I promised him I'd go to his training camp so bright and early Sunday I went. I survived surprisingly. Went out for brunch afterwards and needed to take a nap to get my life together because the food knocked me out for the count. Watched Game of Thrones because vacation won't stop a G from watching my show.
Day 8- flew out to seattle. Was there for under 24h and I got to hit up the Space Needle, Pike Place Market, and Mt. Ranier. Seattle is such a beautiful city. Not as diverse as Cali in terms of people ethnicities but still great. Had some fresh crab from the fish market at Pike Place and sat in the park to eat it while overlooking the bay. There's nothing like feeling free. I should mention that I'm a vegetarian and not a pescatarian. Also, I reject labels now so I eat what I want. I don't eat fish in Tennessee because I don't trust it but since I was in a coastal area I figure I can trust the fish there. So the next part of this trip was the highlight. As the time neared for my Seattle departure I decided to visit the local marijuana dispensary because its legalllll in Seattle *insert smiley face with all the teeth showing*. Now this is great and also not good considering what happened next. I get in the shop and go ham on edibles. Cookies and truffles oh my. The sales associate then bids me adieu by saying "have a great day getting high!". I leave with a smile on my face until I look at the clock. I've got about 1.5hr until my flight leaves ahhhh. So I catch an uber to hop on the train to the airport. It's in the uber that I realize I can't fly back with all this shit because laws. I decide to eat all the edibles. All. the. damb. edibles. I feel just fine. Notice the packaging says effects will kick in almost 2hr after ingestion. I make it on my flight and yall I am SO DAMB HIGH its ridiculous. This was the best cross country flight I've ever been on in my life. On top of that because there were tornadoes in tornado alley my flight kept switching routes mid air. After all the high giggles from making out shapes in the clouds subsided, the pilot decides to swoop around to see the top of Mt. Ranier because yes. I've never seen something so majestic in my life. The mountain literally pierced through the clouds. We were up high to where the only thing one can see from these heights are clouds and in the middle of it is this giant mountain...above the clouds. I felt like this flight was the most intimate moment that me and God have ever had together. I was also high but that doesn't detract from the intimacy of God. Yall, I got my whole life on that flight. Like, I was almost moved to tears by this mountain. I've always been one to see God in nature so I love outdoor shit because I see God in everything, in all things, everywhere...but in nature undisturbed...breathless. I won't even go into detail about how I blessed my future children and descendants up in the clouds above the mountains but it was beautiful. Being up so high and seeing somthing so big also gave me perspective. Realized how small and insignificant things back on the ground were. How evil people can be in the systems and institutions that we create but up so high, none of that exists. I found faith again on that flight. Had a worship session right there in my window seat just communing with God. Then I realized what Bob Marley and them meant about being high. I was high for a couple of hours. Enjoyed reading Angela Davis' book "Freedom is a Constant Struggle" and Octavia's Brood ( a book of afro-futurism short stories birthed from Octavia Butler's work). Both were amazing. Still not done reading them but I need time to chew on them. So yea, I spent all my coins escaping the world for a bit of healing and wholeness and space and time and family and fun. And it was so worth it.
A month later and I still feel like I just got back from Cali. I don't dread coming in to lab everyday. I actually sleep at night. My soul is smiling. I feel so carefree and it feels good. Not that I'm just ignoring things that once weighed me down but that although things hit me, they don't latch on so that I carry them everywhere all the time. While they are with me, they don't slowly kill me a little each day. Talking with God and unplugging from social media has helped with that a lot too. While its GREAT and certainly serves a purpose, I'm not sure that humanity was designed to have so much traumatic stimulation from so many things via social media constantly. So today I'm back in lab. Still on a high. Figuring out this thing called life and loving people in all the ways. Thinking a lot lately about this "organizing" or "activism" work that I've been doing the last 2 years. I honestly HATE those labels and don't consider myself to be either of those things but for lack of better terms and because that's what most people define it as, I'll use it. I do the work that I do, whatever that is, because I love people, MY people, and I'm passionate about it because I love and I care. I hope that never stops. I hope to always always always love and support the least of us and the most marginalized. I hope to always be learning and growing and stretched by the world and the people around me. We're not free until we're ALL free. So we live to fight another day, realizing - even in the context of my own life- that I'm also very privileged. This journey has been everything. It's been beautiful and ugly and scary and challenging and sad and hurtful and empowering and healing and all the things. Grateful for the evolution of myself that has resulted from the movement that we're in and all the people in it. Grateful for all things. Until next time folks!
Ashe
-Jess
Also, yall know I just free-write these things so eff yo spellcheck and shit. There are probably grammatical errors and typos all up and through this thing but ah well. I'm still great though.
It helped me to better understand Lent. I'm not participating at the moment because I'm all over the place just trying to keep my head on and realized I'm late anyway. BUT, I did purchase a 40day devotional called 40day Journey with Howard Thurman. I'm only on day 4 so far. It's sometimes a struggle to remember to do it each morning but I'm off to a good start. It also asks that you journal each day on the journey. I'm going to hold to that during Lent and include my journal entries here for 40days. In addition to the devotional, I'm finally going to make an appointment with a therapist/counselor/whatever you call it. I think it would help me to transition to this next phase of my life and not be overwhelmed. I need to be more kind to myself and my body. Running myself to the point of exhaustion isn't cool or healthy. I'm learning to rest. I've just picked up unhealthy habits in grad school that I can't WAIT to get rid of. Anyway friends, take care of yourselves. Unplug if you need to and rest. Protect your spirit and your mind. Be mindful of the things you allow into your life. That's not to say be an ostrich with its head stuck in the sand ignoring the world around you but balance is key. Balance often times looks like a swinging pendulum instead of a balanced scale and that's ok. OK it's 8:45PM and I'm actually going to leave lab at a somewhat decent hour tonight so let me go before this timer goes off. Until we meet again! ok no...until I write my journal entry for my devotional...which should technically be tonight when I get home since I didn't do it this morning ahhhhhh :/
