Took me a while to finally put a voice to this. It's been almost 2 years since I had a miscarriage. It was a really trying time for me to say the least. Compounding the miscarraige was school falling apart and a relationship gone haywire so I was just a mess to no matter how you sliced it. I felt like my world was imploding on itself. Took me a while to find myself afterwards but all things work together. Anywho, I wanted to share this. I randomly wrote it (freewriting as usual) as a note to myself on my phone one night.
Tear soaked pillows. Another day without you, but not really. Your smell lingers in my bed. I can taste you. I could still feel you and sense you, your thoughts, your emotions. I thought I was crying about losing you. I opened up the deepest parts of me for you. Fully exposed. I let you in where our souls became one and as a result created life. Love was an understatement. I entered into the deepest parts of you. Closely nestled behind your heart and intertwined in the intricacies of your mind. You were home for me. As the life inside me grows, a dormant part of me awakens. I love both you and life in parallel yet synergistically synchronized. So deeply it scares me. I'm unworthy of such a perfect gift, far beyond a blessing. Makes me question if I'm ready and doubt creeps in. Now unsure of myself because of the crippling fear that I won't be enough. Reaching for you to help me steady myself and it's just me. Where was love. Life-lost. Where was the promise. A large part of me died with life. Hopes and dreams and heart shattered. A broken soul. I'm reaching. This wasn't real. You weren't real. Reaching for the me tucked behind your heart and in your mind. Trying to find home. Broken and shattered I'm trying to find her. Between tear soaked pillows, screams, and nightmares I gasp for you. You step back and fade into the distance. Chasing a ghost who stole a part of me. I cry for her. Now left with a piece of me that I don't know, what's left of me that wasn't lost. A stranger to myself. Life and love stole me. Struggling to find parts of me that I buried as treasures inside of others. Now questioning myself. How could I not see this coming. I no longer trust my faithful sense of discernment. An oxymoron in itself. Then kicks in the blaming of myself. I can't trust myself, not with love and not with life. My most prized treasures were buried in life and love. Had to find the treasure that Someone Else buried in me. I found her in tear soaked pillows, between screams and nightmares. While gasping between screams and sobs I found Air. In small breaths at first progressing into inspirations and then deep soul filled gasps. In utter despair, I found Her. A queen, more regal than any version of myself I buried in anyone else. She couldn't be buried. She is light. She was never made to be buried or hidden. This is me. I had to lose pieces of me in life and in love to find her. I sometimes mourn for the me lost in life and love. But I rejoice in light. She illuminates the darkest of places so that my path is always made clear. She lights the darkness of my past to remind me of the coals that were shaped in tear soaked pillows to make her eternally shining diamonds. A never ending internal treasure hunt discovering pieces of myself along the way. I add to her light. I won't take her away from Air, from You. She is Yours. A gift to me. I guard her and protect her inside the sanctity of this temple made of my body. Because the next time life and love come along her light will become fire. Incinerating all impurities. The water and the earth from life and love create a perfect balance, a work of art designed by the Artist before her was buried in the making of me. No more buried treasures. They create a canvas for all to marvel, splendor and majesty. The eye of the Beholder weeps at the beauty of this piece. Coal turned to diamond. I see all the colors in her. I breath her. She is light. And she is whole. Stop reaching. Everything my queen, is inside. God showed me myself between tear soaked pillows, screams, and nightmares. Daily she amazes me. I follow her blindly because she trusts God fully. She was always there. I had to lose myself in life and love so that in the solitude of tears and brokenness God could show me who I was all along. I am her. To Life, thank you for helping mommy find me.
