While I've certainly experienced my fair share of tribulations while here in Nashville, this one is quite different. I've never questioned if I was doing the right thing as far as making decisions in my life because I've always felt that God was with me. Not to say that He isn't with me right now because nothing separates us from Him or His love but I'm seriously being pulled to go in another direction. I'm currently unhappy and things are literally unraveling at the seams. I'm holding on to a sinking ship because once upon a time this ship was everything to me. I'm holding on to what the ship once was and not what it is. At one point, the ship was a distant dream only seen if I stared off into the distance across the ocean and used my imagination. Over time the ship got closer and I thought "I don't have the credentials to sail on this ship". But God's favor and grace let me be one in that number on the ship. Once there, I grew stronger and wiser than I ever thought I could. And all of a sudden the ship that was once a dream and extravagant and beautiful at a distance became too small. I began to see the splinters in the ship and the leaks and the crew members stearing the ship who had no sense of direction. I'm a passenger lost at sea. These things I wouldn't have been able to see until I got on the ship and until I learned more about and saw more of the ship, spending time with the ship. The ship wasn't all it was cracked up to be.
Over time, the leaks took a turn for the worst and the cracks that once let in slow drops now let in streams. I'm drowning but I'm staying with this ship because I remember how it once was; recalling staring at the ship from the shore. Did I make the wrong decision in getting on this ship? And now I'm here on a sinking ship. I can jump ship and take a piece of the ship to help float me back to safety at shore or I can hold on to the ship and go down with it. What will everyone think of me? The people who sing my praises because I'm on the ship will sing no more. I've left so many things behind to catch this ship; would it all have been in vain? Was getting on the ship worth it? Jumping ship leaves me in uncharted waters and territories. Fear of the unknown compels me to stay hoping the ship will stay afloat and yet something is telling me to jump. That it is OK to let go....
Granted this story is talking about a "ship" but it's the story of my life right now; parables. In church on Sunday we talked about "Fear of the Unknown". What my ship story just reminded me of was Jesus asking Peter to walk on water. Peter's fear of the unknown is what caused him to sink. When he kept his eyes and his faith on God, he walked but when he began to fear and doubt God's faithfulness, he no longer trusted him in that moment and started to sink. And even still God didn't let him drown. The focus is not on how can I fear less, but how do I trust God MORE. Is my faith bigger than my fear? If I'm honest with myself, my current situation tells me that my fear is bigger than my faith.
Fear erases God's faithfulness in your past. When we become fearful, we forget all that God has ALREADY done for us. God has certainly kept me as I have held on and let go to many a ship, but they all had a safety boat. Or there was always someone around who could swim who helped me to safety. The other ships went down where land was visible, familiar land. I wasn't sure how long it would take me to get my safety boat together or even how to put it together but I knew that it was there and so was the land so I was always confident that I would survive even if death stared me in the face. My safety boat was MY plan for my life. It ALWAYS served as a back up plan for me. If I'm honest about that, the safety boat is probably my first plan and I trust God after my safety plan is in place so that just in case his plan doesn't work I won't drown. This is the first time where I literally have no safety boat/plan and I'm fearful.
Fear will establish the limits of your life. People who are afraid of heights never climb high. Fear of failure causes us to never try. Fear of people or of being hurt makes us stay away from relationships. We settle into careers/jobs and relationships because of fear. Fear of success is real as well. We never apply for that scholarship or that raise because of fear. I don't want fear to dictate whether I jump or stand firm on the ship. I want my faith to determine that. In order to do that I need to TRUST God MORE and REMEMBER that He is and always has been faithful. I won't let my circumstances place fear in my heart and in my mind causing me to forget His faithfulness in my past. I won't go to God as a backup plan in the event that my own plan for my life doesn't work. These are active processes that have to be put into practice in my life or else I am like the candle that burns but is hidden, out of fear, never fulfilling it's purpose to be the light it was destined to be.
In Exodus 3:9-14 God tells Moses to go NOW to Pharaoh to bring the Israelites out of Egypt. Before this, Moses was estranged from Egypt, a murderer, and had speech problems. While Moses expressed his reservations of how he thought he was the wrong man for the job, God assured him that he was. Often times (heck all the time) God's plan for us is so much bigger and greater than we could ever imagine for ourselves. You have to trust God's prompting over your plans. Of course this is easier said than done but trusting God is at the center of it all. I'm not exactly sure of what God is prompting me to do. The plans I had for myself are going down with the sinking ship but I will say this. Fear won't get the best of me! I'm going to stay faithful in this season of the sinking ships (yes that's plural..this is the third sinking ship I've been on in the last couple of months but not the largest sinking ship).
In my short lived life I've learned that ALL things work together for the good of those that love the Lord. Everything good and everything bad that has happened in my life happened so that I could be right here at this place in this moment in time. In this I am confident. So yes at the moment I'm unsure of things and that brings about a little fear but I won't submit to it. I acknowledge it and I keep pressing on with my head unbowed. Life ain't never been no crystal stair (Langston Hughes)
"...I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul" -William Ernest Henley Invictus
