I haven't updated the blog in while. My life has literally been in shambles. I'll have a testimony to share one day but that day isn't today. I did however want to share something so simple and yet powerful. I'll just share this story with you. So this point I'm still going through my ordeal. My spirit is hurting and my prayer every day is for God to just keep me because I literally couldn't keep myself. I felt as if my world stopped. I wasn't eating...or anything for that matter. I would muster up enough strength to make myself start going back to school everyday only to be on the verge of breakdown by the end of the day and make it home to curl up in a ball in my bed and stay that way until the next morning. That was how every day was. I was just a shell of myself. I just lost the will to live. Not in a suicidal way but I was so sad and so hurt by a lot of things that I just experienced and I became angry with God wondering if He left me.
I know that scripture says He'll never leave us nor forsake us. I kept playing Romans 8:38-39 over and over again in my head: 38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[a] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. But what do you do when you really don't feel his presence. And you really don't think He is hearing your prayers. I was in prayer and I know scripture says that He will comfort those in mourning and I didn't feel like He was comforting me. It was just He and I and I had never felt so alone in my life. I became angry with Him.
I was invited to visit my classmate's church and arrived early. She went out the night before and informed me that she wouldn't be able to make the Bible study before service but at this point I thought I need all the Word I can get so I go solo. I arrive at the church and I wind up joining the group of elderly people (literally everyone was 68+). We're talking about Jonah and the whale and I'm going in and out of listening because I can't get my mind off how sad I am and how I think I'm just not going to be able to pull myself together to make it out of this one. All I recall is one of the women saying "He'll never put more on you than you can bear". As MANY times as I've heard this, that day it finally clicked. She went on to encourage whoever by saying that literally God has equipped you with everything you need to make it through whatever your situation is. He will never put anything on you that you can't handle or that would cause you to turn your faith away from Him. He is made strong in our weakness. In that moment, I realized that I was going to make it. I wasn't sure how but I began to pray differently. It was no longer "God I can't make it through this without you...." it was now "God, I'm hurting, BUT I know that I'll make it through this...please keep me and restore me and heal me. Teach me your patience while I am going through." and I began to take comfort in knowing that this wasn't going to kill me. I would make it through and in my right mind. I found strength in what that woman said that day and if I could I would go up to her and say "Thank You" although I'm quite sure she would hardly remember that day.
My devotional this morning was talking about finding comfort and encouragement in God (Trusting God daily devotional by Joyce Meyers; I was having a hard time trusting Him during my ordeal so I bought this devotional and boy did it help). One of the things I failed at while going through was turning to people for comfort and encouragement and I just couldn't find it. The devotional challenged me to try God FIRST and explained how He would use those around you, even unexpected ones or even things you hear on the radio etc to comfort you and encourage you and minister to you. I think that in my praying, God put that woman in my group that day with a Word that was just for me. Even though I had heard that line literally a thousand times, that day it was for me.
Since then, I begin each morning with prayer and devotion. I know that God is healing me and molding me. I'm in a much better place now. I write this to say that whatever it is that you are going through, know that He will never put more on you than you can bare and where we are weak, He is made strong. He was listening to my prayers, even though it didn't FEEL like He was (that's another story by itself saved for another day). He never left my side, even when I didn't turn to Him. He continues to keep me and heal me with each day. I'm not sure of a lot of things but I know that He's preparing me for greater :)
Just wanted to share that. Yea there's no fancy ending that's just it lol. Hope this story made sense and wasn't all over the place and even if it was, hopefully you get what I was trying to convey. Be blessed people!
-Jess
