Decisions & God's Will for your life...

So after praying about the previous post and all the stress, worry, and fear that went into it, a message at service really spoke to me.  What I realized was that my fear was not necessarily about whether I should abandon ship or hold on or wait, my fear was the DECISION.  My fear was based on the fact that I didn't know which decision would put me in or out of God's will for my life.  I was afraid of making the wrong decision.
When believers think about the will of God, it becomes this secret path that is already carved out for us and we spend our whole lives trying to figure out what this path is.  Should I move here or there; should I take job A or job B; should I buy this house or not.  What I learned was based on Matthew 6:
25 “Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing?26 Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? 27 Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?28 “So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; 29 and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 30 Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?31 “Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. 33 But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.What this essentially says is that God's will for our lives is to seek Him.  Behind loving and seeking God is loving people.  Whatever decisions we make in life, whatever path we choose, it can't take us out of His will as long as we do these things.  Because doing these things will always place you in the will of God for your life.  If God takes care of the birds and the flowers are dressed every morning then how much more will He care for us?  I decided to let go of my ship and I have never felt more FREE.  I have absolutely NO idea what I'm doing at this point but the peace that I have truly does surpass all understanding.  I learned to really trust Him.  Everything will work out, this I know.
God's will for our lives is to grow in Christ-likeness.  It's not what we do, but who we BECOME.  And even during the times where we feel like we've made bad decisions and went down the wrong path, those events in our lives have shaped us, molded us, strengthened us, and helped us build character.  I can honestly say that the last 9 months have been life changing for me.  Although the things I've gone through were traumatic for me, I can see that I'm certainly not the same Jessica that I was then.  A part of me that once lied dormant is now awakened.  And a part of that Jessica also died.  I feel more alive than I was before if that makes any sense.  At the same time I'm still grieving/mourning/healing from things I KNOW and I'm CONFIDENT that everything will be ok.  And if you're going through, know that:
 While I was going through a lot of things, I thought maybe "this is all because I am out of His will".  But on the other side of it I saw that everything I've been through is exactly what was in His will for my life.  Had I not gone through some of the things I went through, I would have never been able to share my story with others to offer them hope or to encourage others who were literally on the brink of self destruction.  And you don't go through just for the sake of getting a testimony.  It CHANGES you.  There is healing at the end of all sufferings.  Job was a mighty man of God and even he had to go through.  A lot of what made me hold on while I was going through came from the book of Job.  (that's all for another entry)I try to keep God first in everything that I do in life and to genuinely love people.  I am human and at times I fail at that but I'm grateful for His grace and mercy that carries me and forgives me.  All I want you to get from this is that you don't have to live your life in fear of being out of God's will.  ALL you have to do is seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.  The jobs that you think you want so much, the house, the happiness  the relationship, the children, etc. .....it ALL falls into place.  Don't worry about what tomorrow brings.  Trust Him today.  And tomorrow, do it all over again.  Love God and Love people.  That is His will for your life.  You can carry that out whether you take the job in Denver or stay in Florida.  Whether you marry or not.  Whether you are a heart surgeon or a high school drop out.  There is no price that you can put on the happiness and the fulfillment that comes from Loving God, Loving people, and doing what's right.  Sometimes a job or a relationship will take you away from doing that and you can't be afraid to let it go.  But know that God will NEVER leave you.
 "Too many of us are not living our dreams because we are living our fears" -Les Brown   "Too 3 Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us. (Romans 5:3-5). 2 My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, 3 knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. 4 But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing James 1:2-4

Sinking Ships, Fear, and Trusting God

I blog because it keeps me sane.  Per the usual, this entry is written to myself...my thoughts in writing.  This PhD program has really pushed me to the limit.  Not in the sense of the program being too difficult for me but in terms of figuring out what my purpose in life is.  I've been trying to find that "thing" that motivated me to even decide to pursue a PhD in the first place because I think I've lost sight of that in the midst of all the economical and political bull$h!t that governs what we know to be graduate school.  

While I've certainly experienced my fair share of tribulations while here in Nashville, this one is quite different.  I've never questioned if I was doing the right thing as far as making decisions in my life because I've always felt that God was with me.  Not to say that He isn't with me right now because nothing separates us from Him or His love but I'm seriously being pulled to go in another direction. I'm currently unhappy and things are literally unraveling at the seams.  I'm holding on to a sinking ship because once upon a time this ship was everything to me.  I'm holding on to what the ship once was and not what it is.  At one point, the ship was a distant dream only seen if I stared off into the distance across the ocean and used my imagination.  Over time the ship got closer and I thought "I don't have the credentials to sail on this ship".  But God's favor and grace let me be one in that number on the ship.  Once there, I grew stronger and wiser than I ever thought I could.  And all of a sudden the ship that was once a dream and extravagant and beautiful at a distance became too small.  I began to see the splinters in the ship and the leaks and the crew members stearing the ship who had no sense of direction.  I'm a passenger lost at sea.  These things I wouldn't have been able to see until I got on the ship and until I learned more about and saw more of the ship, spending time with the ship.  The ship wasn't all it was cracked up to be.

Over time, the leaks took a turn for the worst and the cracks that once let in slow drops now let in streams.  I'm drowning but I'm staying with this ship because I remember how it once was; recalling staring at the ship from the shore.  Did I make the wrong decision in getting on this ship?  And now I'm here on a sinking ship.  I can jump ship and take a piece of the ship to help float me back to safety at shore or I can hold on to the ship and go down with it.  What will everyone think of me?  The people who sing my praises because I'm on the ship will sing no more.  I've left so many things behind to catch this ship; would it all have been in vain?  Was getting on the ship worth it?  Jumping ship leaves me in uncharted waters and territories.  Fear of the unknown compels me to stay hoping the ship will stay afloat and yet something is telling me to jump.  That it is OK to let go....

Granted this story is talking about a "ship" but it's the story of my life right now; parables.  In church on Sunday we talked about "Fear of the Unknown".  What my ship story just reminded me of was Jesus asking Peter to walk on water.  Peter's fear of the unknown is what caused him to sink.  When he kept his eyes and his faith on God, he walked but when he began to fear and doubt God's faithfulness, he no longer trusted him in that moment and started to sink.  And even still God didn't let him drown.  The focus is not on how can I fear less, but how do I trust God MORE.  Is my faith bigger than my fear?  If I'm honest with myself, my current situation tells me that my fear is bigger than my faith.  

Fear erases God's faithfulness in your past.  When we become fearful, we forget all that God has ALREADY done for us.  God has certainly kept me as I have held on and let go to many a ship, but they all had a safety boat. Or there was always someone around who could swim who helped me to safety.  The other ships went down where land was visible, familiar land.  I wasn't sure how long it would take me to get my safety boat together or even how to put it together but I knew that it was there and so was the land so I was always confident that I would survive even if death stared me in the face.  My safety boat was MY plan for my life.  It ALWAYS served as a back up plan for me.  If I'm honest about that, the safety boat is probably my first plan and I trust God after my safety plan is in place so that just in case his plan doesn't work I won't drown.  This is the first time where I literally have no safety boat/plan and I'm fearful.  

Fear will establish the limits of your life.  People who are afraid of heights never climb high.  Fear of failure causes us to never try.  Fear of people or of being hurt makes us stay away from relationships.  We settle into careers/jobs and relationships because of fear.  Fear of success is real as well.  We never apply for that scholarship or that raise because of fear.  I don't want fear to dictate whether I jump or stand firm on the ship.  I want my faith to determine that.  In order to do that I need to TRUST God MORE and REMEMBER that He is and always has been faithful.  I won't let my circumstances place fear in my heart and in my mind causing me to forget His faithfulness in my past.  I won't go to God as a backup plan in the event that my own plan for my life doesn't work.  These are active processes that have to be put into practice in my life or else I am like the candle that burns but is hidden, out of fear, never fulfilling it's purpose to be the light it was destined to be.  

 In Exodus 3:9-14 God tells Moses to go NOW to Pharaoh to bring the Israelites out of Egypt. Before this, Moses was estranged from Egypt, a murderer, and had speech problems.  While Moses expressed his reservations of how he thought he was the wrong man for the job, God assured him that he was.  Often times (heck all the time) God's plan for us is so much bigger and greater than we could ever imagine for ourselves.  You have to trust God's prompting over your plans.  Of course this is easier said than done but trusting God is at the center of it all.  I'm not exactly sure of what God is prompting me to do.  The plans I had for myself are going down with the sinking ship but I will say this.  Fear won't get the best of me!  I'm going to stay faithful in this season of the sinking ships (yes that's plural..this is the third sinking ship I've been on in the last couple of months but not the largest sinking ship).  

In my short lived life I've learned that ALL things work together for the good of those that love the Lord.  Everything good and everything bad that has happened in my life happened so that I could be right here at this place in this moment in time.  In this I am confident.  So yes at the moment I'm unsure of things and that brings about a little fear but I won't submit to it.  I acknowledge it and I keep pressing on with my head unbowed.  Life ain't never been no crystal stair (Langston Hughes)

"...I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul" -William Ernest Henley Invictus

Simple yet Powerful

I haven't updated the blog in  while.  My life has literally been in shambles.  I'll have a testimony to share one day but that day isn't today.  I did however want to share something so simple and yet powerful.  I'll just share this story with you.

So this point I'm still going through my ordeal.  My spirit is hurting and my prayer every day is for God to just keep me because I literally couldn't keep myself.  I felt as if my world stopped.  I wasn't eating...or anything for that matter.  I would muster up enough strength to make myself start going back to school everyday only to be on the verge of  breakdown by the end of the day and make it home to curl up in a ball in my bed and stay that way until the next morning.  That was how every day was.  I was just a shell of myself.  I just lost the will to live.  Not in a suicidal way but I was so sad and so hurt by a lot of things that I just experienced and I became angry with God wondering if He left me.
I know that scripture says He'll never leave us nor forsake us.  I kept playing Romans 8:38-39 over and over again in my head: ³⁸ For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,^[a] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, ³⁹ neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.  But what do you do when you really don't feel his presence.  And you really don't think He is hearing your prayers.  I was in prayer and I know scripture says that He will comfort those in mourning and I didn't feel like He was comforting me.  It was just He and I and I had never felt so alone in my life.  I became angry with Him.  
I was invited to visit my classmate's church and arrived early.  She went out the night before and informed me that she wouldn't be able to make the Bible study before service but at this point I thought I need all the Word I can get so I go solo.  I arrive at the church and I wind up joining the group of elderly people (literally everyone was 68+).  We're talking about Jonah and the whale and I'm going in and out of listening because I can't get my mind off how sad I am and how I think I'm just not going to be able to pull myself together to make it out of this one.  All I recall is one of the women saying "He'll never put more on you than you can bear".  As MANY times as I've heard this, that day it finally clicked.  She went on to encourage whoever by saying that literally God has equipped you with everything you need to make it through whatever your situation is.  He will never put anything on you that you can't handle or that would cause you to turn your faith away from Him.  He is made strong in our weakness.  In that moment, I realized that I was going to make it.  I wasn't sure how but I began to pray differently.  It was no longer "God I can't make it through this without you...." it was now "God, I'm hurting, BUT I know that I'll make it through this...please keep me and restore me and heal me.  Teach me your patience while I am going through."  and I began to take comfort in knowing that this wasn't going to kill me.  I would make it through and in my right mind.  I found strength in what that woman said that day and if I could I would go up to her and say "Thank You" although I'm quite sure she would hardly remember that day.
My devotional this morning was talking about finding comfort and encouragement in God (Trusting God daily devotional by Joyce Meyers; I was having a hard time trusting Him during my ordeal so I bought this devotional and boy did it help).  One of the things I failed at while going through was turning to people for comfort and encouragement and I just couldn't find it.  The devotional challenged me to try God FIRST and explained how He would use those around you, even unexpected ones or even things you hear on the radio etc to comfort you and encourage you and minister to you.  I think that in my praying, God put that woman in my group that day with a Word that was just for me.  Even though I had heard that line literally a thousand times, that day it was for me.
Since then, I begin each morning with prayer and devotion.  I know that God is healing me and molding me.  I'm in a much better place now.  I write this to say that whatever it is that you are going through, know that He will never put more on you than you can bare and where we are weak, He is made strong.  He was listening to my prayers, even though it didn't FEEL like He was (that's another story by itself saved for another day).  He never left my side, even when I didn't turn to Him.  He continues to keep me and heal me with each day.  I'm not sure of a lot of things but I know that He's preparing me for greater :)

Just wanted to share that.  Yea there's no fancy ending that's just it lol.  Hope this story made sense and wasn't all over the place and even if it was, hopefully you get what I was trying to convey.  Be blessed people!

-Jess